Monday, October 31, 2011

The Day the Birth Stood Still

So, tell me. What is the difference between a Herman Cain Sexual Harassment Allegation and The Obama Birther issue? Why nothing of course unless you are either a Republican or a Democrat or the News Media who want ,we the people, to believe two too many points of view.

The Glorious GOPstoppers have been harping on the birther issue for some time and even though many are now saying that the entire mess is a distraction and that some candidates should just back off and cool down a bit, the subject just magically seems to keep popping up again and again and again. We, the people, can’t seem to get enough of this kind of political flavor so our eyes dance with delight when the media starts planting unfounded little seedlings of information in our under-founded scope of understanding of what we are told to hear.

Well Herman; these annoying one shot sling shots are just part of the public tic tac toe that we like to call politics. These verbal snips and snaps are the words of words of words echoed long ago and again and again and now signify nothing but pointless inuendo –just like the birther allegations. These unfounded rumors sicken me and they make your donkeys and your elephants look like they are desperately grasping for straws.

I think Donald Trump had it unintentionally right when commenting on Fox this morning when he declared (Trump never says, he just declares a lot) that Cain should have just said to the salivating news wolf that it was cheaper for him to just pay off these ladies so that it would not hurt his business. That tactic is called damage control. Cain needs a lot of damage control lately.

I don’t like your politics Mr. Cain, and I don’t believe for one instant that you represent the American people or even that you like us. I think you are qualified to run a business but are not qualified to push a button that could signal the end of this planet. Godfather’s Pizza and Dr. Strangelove are two different points of view and speaking of Dr. Strangelove, I see you more as Slim Pickens, waving that cowboy hat of his wildly in the air as he pony rides an atom bomb to his death. You don’t know the names of your foreign friends and enemies. How can you make deals that affect the geopolitical landscape without knowing with whom you are dealing?

Those are my real concerns about you, Mr. Cain. I actually like you. You are funny. I don’t want you running this country. America is no joke.

As for the sexual harassment allegations against Mr. Cain, I am going to direct this comment at the American Media: I don’t care. The whole affair of gossip spreading is none of my business and I don’t like this kind of sophomoric muckraking being scared up by you, the media, to try and sway my thinking. This sheep is shearing itself of your deceptive ways. Start reporting and quit speculating. Your implications only make me wonder about your credibility as journalists.

And speaking of credibility, let’s talk about the birther movement. A sheriff in Arizona has assembled a “cold case team” or “Posse”, as he likes to put it of ex police and retired lawyers and such to get to the bottom of this birthing issue at the behest of the Tea Party, those chimpions of truth, justice and the American Way-Out-there-ness.

And in my best Fat Albert, HEY HEY HEY, the mother of the birther movment was a keynote speaker at the soiree that launched the “investigation”. Her name is Orly Taitz, she is a dentist, lawyer and real estate agent, she speaks five languages and emigrated from Russia to Israel and then on the US. Not being a natural born citizen, she has taken on the task of pointing out her belief that Barack Obama is not a natural born citizen as well and, like President George Bush (remember that silliness?), is not a legitimate president. Now, to be fair to Ms Taitz, that is one smart lady.

She also has claimed:

1. Homosexuals in Obama’s former church may have died mysteriously (Source)
2. Osama bin Laden was killed years ago but was kept on ice so his announcement could be timed to draw attention away from her court case challenging Obama's citizenship. (source)
3. Hugo Chavez controls the software that runs American voting machines (Source)
4. Fema is building interment camps for Obama dissidents (Source)
5. Barack Obama has used a stolen social security number (Source)

So the moral of this tale of two tales is that the media is playing games with us and that the Media is not just news sources, it’s everyone who has ever felt the urge to field a pen or clack a keyboard.. Don’t believe everything you see and do your own research and make up your own minds. Present a researched point of view. Asking your own questions is an easy thing to do.

It’s time for Americans to start being Americans.

I’m just saying…

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Super Committee of Doom VS The American Dollar Bill

If you have been totally out of the political loop, you may not know that there is a super committee that was set up after this country’s last brush with partisan fiscal irresponsibility.  The idea is that the committee which is made up of former citizens of the planet Krypton will fly to our rescue and lower the deficit in ways that could not possibly be conceived by mere mortal men.

So the question of the day becomes “If congress could not get this particular task done and now a Super Committee must fix their impotent impasse, WHY do we need congress at all?  Really, I feel I am asking a fair and balance question.  I deserve, as a US Citizen, a fair and balanced answer.

Anyway, this Super Committee is supposed to work at the task of reducing the deficit and if they can’t then the whole thing goes on sort of an autopilot and automatic cuts will fall into place somewhat reducing the deficit anyway.  This gathering of great minds was culled from Congress itself who could not solve the problem so they picked the strongest of their peoples to make a SUPER attempt at not solving the problem again.

Well then….

Now, here comes the latest news on the Super Committee:  this fair and impartial collection of congressional cattle is accessible by none other then-----lobbyists.  What a surprise.   No offense, congress but lobbying the Super Committee is not a super idea. If this committee of so called “fiscal fixers” can be influenced by biased outsiders like lobbyists then congress is, once again, wasting the time of its constituents and congress is, once again, frivolously spending the taxpayer dollar.

…And Speaking of the Dollar.

This particular lobbyist wants Congress to get rid of the paper dollar and bring back the American Dollar as a coin.  The idea is that by eliminating the paper dollar, this country will save 5 plus billion dollars over a space of 30 years.  Now, I don’t know about you but I have a mortgage that is that long and I don’t want to wait another 30 years to see this country save a few pennies.

Besides, a coin dollar can cause a lot of problems.  So the girls are off to Chippendales’ to have a good time at the “girls night out” and they have brought along tons of their little dollar coins.   Can you imagine how many scrotums will be damaged from dropping those coins down that poor dancers kangaroo pouch.  As a guy, all I can say is “ouch”!

People will jingle wherever they go.  Wallets will only be good for credit cards and cabs that only accept cash will be forced to carry those little coin change belt things.

Think of all the jammed up Coke machines. 

You see, we learned this lesson before from the Miss Susan B. Anthony fiasco.  Miss Dollar Coin herself taught us that Americans will almost always mistake the dollar coin for a quarter and vending machines will suffer serious damage.  Vending machines have a lobby too you know. Eventually the Susan B Anthony coin was discontinued because the American Public rejected it. 

 Then there is the Sacagawea Dollar also known as “the Golden Dollar, which pays homage to our great Native American nations. This coin has been in circulation since 2000. Every year, it features a re-minting of the coin featuring a great Native American accomplishment.  If we are going to eliminate the dollar bill as paper then why do we need to mint a new dollar coin. So why does the lobbyist want us ignore the Native American dollar and use his lobby dollar. Maybe we  should cast on this new lobby coin the image of the great American lobbyist with a congressman sticking out of his pocket.

I understand those lobbyists are like supplemental income for most of you in congress. I get it but I cant afford the government grease that you folks seem to need to get things done but remember that I still yield a small vote and so do millions, yes that’s millions, like me and this year we are ALL watching you very closely Republican and Democrat alike.

So Congress, here is my message to your Super Committee:  Kick the lobbyists out , use your sound judgment and for god’s sake, lock the doors!

I’m just sayin’…

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Saturday on Sunday Roundup: The News You May Not Have But Should Have Heard

Google May Assist Yahoo Bid

Microsoft tried unsuccessfully to get a deal cooking with Yahoo! A year or so ago and now Google may step in as the newest investor to assist potential investors in acquiring Yahoo!  Look for some antitrust issue questions to pop up on this one as it would only make Google as big as a church mouse in the belly of a whale.
Well Yahoo to Google! OMG!  YOOGLE!

Our Good Friend President Karzai

You remember President Hamid Karzai of Afghanistan—oh yes one of those “stans” that Herman Cain can’t “stan”.  Well good ol’ Hermie may be right on the button about this one because yesterday President Karzai said that if the US went to war with Pakistan that Afghanistan would side with Pakistan.  You see all of those “stans” can’t “stan” us either.
What they do love about us is our Howdy Doody way of wanting everyone in this peanut gallery of a world to love us and our Daddy Warbucks way of just hurling around the money like its going to solve all of the problems of the world and plant the good seed of democracy.

Well Hamid Karzai is the kid that tattles to the teacher any chance he gets.  He has been in talks with not just Pakistan but Pakistani intelligence so that make him, in this writer’s grimly sarcastic eyes, a traitorous bastard. Am I angry, young American Sons and Daughters? You are gosh darned straight I am.

I thank that Karzai needs to repay us for our trouble and raise our dead.  Here is a man who has wasted the time of this country and wasted the lives of our children.  This is a man richly entrenched in the drug trade (read opium) and apparently thinks that the death of Osama Bin Laden is a bad thing (as do the Pakistanis).

Herman, I am dead set against most of what you are about but you, the Archbishop of Anchovia, are dead right on this one.  Hilary Clinton must be gnawing on some Herman Cain Crow right now.

 Herman Cain, Lobbyist

Yes that’s right. Back in the day, when Cain was nothing more then a struggling millionaire he founded The National Restaurant Association, which grew from a struggling young organization to a lobbying powerhouse. 

For three years starting in 1996 he ran this organization.  Oh, and he worked closely with the cigarette industry to stop smoking bans in restaurants and he spoke out very loudly against lowering alcohol levels to battle the problem of drunken driving. He also was against a patient’s bill of rights and opposed increases in the minimum wage.

Well, this news explains a lot to me. I thought he was maybe some kind of weird come to life Ruckus character but no it’s clear now. He’s not a bigot. He just wants to kill everybody. 

His positions are kind of ironic to me. See back in 1994 he got into a pretty good word battle with Clinton over jobs and his position was that Clinton’s policies would eliminate jobs.

What? Say what? Huh?

That’s a pretty amazing thing that he is genuinely concerned for the jobs of the American people when just the other day he said in a Marie Antoinette “let them eat cake” kind of way that the problem of unemployment was not the fault of banks or the housing markets or wall street but was the fault of the unemployed.  If they weren’t rich, its their own fault, if they can’t find a job, get out there and make one.

Herman, you owe the Clintons a big apology.

Heavens to Huey Long!

Bobby Jindal has done it again!  He has been re-elected as the governor of the State of Louisiana.  I have to say that this is one GOPstopper that I actually like. He’s really the one who should be running for president in 2012 not these current wacky racers.  I wish him the best in his second term and I hope his can do attitude rubs off on this current batch of can’t do candidates.

Ed Toth: A Real American Hero

For  those of you who don’t know this guy or what he is about; meet Ed Toth. Ed Toth is director, of the New York City Native Plant Center.  He is also a champion of using and utilizing locally grown plants for food. 

He’s kind of a modern day Johnny Appleseed.  A devout botanic keeper of the local flora he extols the benefits of producing locally grown foods.  If anyone today could be called a real American hero then Ed Toth is the man.  Mr. Toth, my hats off to you and your seeds. Thank you for taking the time to support local growers and their local economies.  People like you are scarcely appreciated for all the good that you do for this world.

I’m just sayin…..

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Moammar Gadhafi is Dead

I am not jumping up and down in the streets firing my plastic faux sub machine gun in celebration of the death of this man.  I am deeply sad for the Libyan people.  They had in their hands the man who could answer all of their questions about lost lives, lost friends and, apparently, lost shoulder held weapons.

He will never go to trial to answer for crimes against humanity and he died violently, almost heroically, at the hands of his enemies and that point worries me most.  He will be buried in an unmarked grave.  His grave’s location is to be undisclosed.

I worry about the hard times that are to come for the Libyan people.  They have to organize their government and accept help from morally disinterested but greedy partners who will want to help them rebuild into some sort of democracy.  Our first priority to these people should be to heal the sick and to feed the starving.  Let’s let the new Libyan government, just this once, benefit from our lack of advice.

The world should worry about the defiant folk hero who may arise from his grave in hard times.   Ghadaffi died violently and his burial location will be undisclosed and that means that stories will abound about his whereabouts, rumors will spread that he is not really dead but is leading the good fight to restore a less oppressive regime. Does it sound ridiculous?  It shouldn’t because nondisclosure is the foundation of modern myth.

So tonight I will mourn for the dead of this regime and give thanks to God that this man’s reign is over and offer additional prayer that this country to the shores of Tripoli understand that history need not repeat itself if we just take the time to stop and learn.

I’m just sayin’

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Viva Lost Vegas

Here are a few truisms:  Elvis impersonators are NOT Elvis. Elvis is, indeed, rubbernecking in the great beyond.  Howard Hughes really was as rich as he thought he was despite his dementia.  There are no space aliens and the GOP does not yet have a serious and viable candidate.

It breaks my heart.  What good is a campaign without two spirited and moderately intelligent candidates?  Can’t we all just get along?

I had a gander at the latest of the GOP debates in Las Vegas and it was like children fighting over toys.  No, it was like bulls fighting over who gets to break the china.  We need the Bull Moose Party, we need staunch a “Bully Bully” NOT faux wannabes drinking imaginary cups of patriotic tea and posing for pictures with semi automatics.

But I digress...(see those dots after "digress"--that's me digressing)

Everybody was attacking everybody.  Mitt had his mitts up against Rick “Death for All” Perry. Michelle Bachman was graceful as she played the role of Meeky Mouse—I liked her when she was weird and spunky.  Everybody was a Caine Fu Fighting.  Jon Huntsman was boycotting Nevada because the great gambling state wants to hold their primaries before New Hampshire.  You know, the really relevant issues that make us want to elect a president.

How exciting.

Now, hear me Congress when tell you that when Mitt makes the White House, remember that he does NOT like to be interrupted.  I thought he and Perry were really going to erupt into a WWE slugfest but no it was more like an incredibly boring close-up of sequence of eyes in a spaghetti western.  I think it would have done them a world of good to erupt in a volcanic surge of repressed violence.

Rick, like a true southern gentleman, did apologize for the clown that said that Mitt’s religion was a cult.  I was actually impressed with Rick that he was big enough to admit that Mitt had been wronged.  He scores big points with me on that one.  Way to go, Governor Perry!

Now Herman Caine, the new horse of a different color, is being attacked by all of the candidates and dear readers that means to the GOP Herman Caine is a serious threat to be taken seriously—I mean, seriously.  To be very frank, I finally got to look at his 999 plan and we all should be afraid. 

At odds is his argument to simplify the tax code form the so-called “10 million word mess” and so Caine proposes three elements consisting of a 9 percent tax:  personal income, sales and corporate.

All three segments pay a 9 percent tax.  Sounds easy right?  Well in the grand ol’ land of New Hampshire and other states where there is no sales tax there will be a sales tax of 9 percent that means those parties will pay 9 percent more then the 0 percent they are used to paying. 

In states where there are sales taxes, the feds get their 9 percent and the state gets theirs. In New York, taxpayers could pay a whopping 18 percent PLUS that 9 percent income tax and let’s not even consider state taxes—add that in too.

All in all, one analysis projected that a single or married couple could expect an 84 percent increase in their taxes.  Thank god!  I was sure it would be higher.

Herman Caine’s response was to blame accountants for these kinds of criticisms.  WELLLLLL!  Who will be doing your numbers?  The Koch Brothers?  Oh lord now, Koch Caine is rolling round my brain.  If accountants cant make sense of your program I am sure a common layman like myself will not be able to comprehend this wacky plan of yours.

But you know folks, let’s give Mr. Caine a hand and I am being serious. He is sticking by his plan and that kind of Don Quixotic commitment takes a lot of guts—but please, Herman, if you get this passed you will take my guts and the guts of every American who ever had a dream.  We all want to see the other side of that mountaintop.  999 will keep this generation and other generations from seeing the other side. Have a heart already.

Now let me pose one other tiny little question for you. As a Republican you are going to curb spending and cut taxes and we all are going to pay this itsy bitsy 9 percent simplified tax.

Here is the question:  I am an income strapped state desperate for more money since you are no longer going to give generously to the states. Where do you think those states are going to go to make up lost income?  If the American taxpayer is only paying 9 percent to the Federal Government, the states will swoop in and raise their taxes because they KNOW that more money from the taxpayer has been made readily available by your plan. In a nutshell, it’s the same old thing for the American taxpayer. Give it up, Herman, please. 

The American people can’t take much more hurt.

I’m just sayin’…

Vegetable Soup

Sit back and have a cup of coffee and try to stay more then 56 seconds.

The Following monologue is for Herman Cain, the GOP and the Tea Partiers.  This is the voice of the common American, our elderly and, to me, a rich source of story no matter how disjointed they sometimes appear to be.   When your are formulating all of your plans to stop spending on Social Security or cut vital programs for the mentally ill or slash the wallets of your grandmother’s or grandfather’s income, remember this woman because these are her EXACT words as I transcribed them 22 years ago from a voice recording.  Here is the story:

Vegetable Soup

While I was making vegetable soup, Mrs. Ingles, my landlady, all of 82 years young,  begins to speak while she watches me prepare the aforementioned vegetable soup.

 I wish they would go.  Anne was actin’ like she had an invitation to have him.  Every time I call down there this morning he’s been busy.  Marie called once and wanted to know what the admission was and what did it cost—but Lucy TOLD me it was free and Bill said what difference if it does cost somethin’—just goin’ out to eat. 

Morris (pronounced Marsh) is tight.  I said “Morris.  Unzip that ole back pocket of yours and that billfold.  You’re goin’ with me!  I BET he’s got 40 thousand dollars in the bank.  More than that!  I’m goin’ to get them to send me a new……

There’s Henry’s new number!  I can’t never remember that number down there…They’d get in the phone down there and Susan’s down there and they…

Drop some onions in there.

Susan…and she makes drapes too! 

But you know…when my sister’s husband died, Bill went to the funeral and I was so sick then…with this brace on my back…I had just hurt it tryin’ to raise this window.  The doctor said “No—you can’t go and so he went in ‘cept nobody didn’t know him.  Not any of his cousins knew him—and the ONLY one that knew him was my sister, Lucy—said she knew it all the time…and my sister-in-law or my niece, married my nephew—lives downtown in Frontville, said—Oh my God  “WHO’S that good lookin’ man!”.  I’d like to know who he is so I could just go!  Bill, her cousin and so my sister got up and had to tell them all who he was.  Wasn’ that something? 

You need to stir that…

And they hadn’t seen him since he came from Vietnam.  They didn’t know him and Bill got the biggest kick out of it that it was…

I’m like Morris—Even it it does cost somethin’ to go out and eat supper—What’s that?  Spend it every day—suit me just fine. 

I believe that Morris will go.  I believe that Janice will keep on and keep on and keep on….Susan will be in school and….oh…

that soup smells good don’t it?  That’s pretty thick soup though..

I’m goin to call them and see how they’re doin’…

(Mrs. Ingles is now on the phone)

What are you doin?  You have an invitation to come down and eat supper… Here..From John…Yeah..he made a great big pot of vegtable soup…NO..he won’t be here tomorrow night.  I mean we won’t have the soup tomorrow night.  He made a bigh pot of vegetable soup and is its really good…well, bring them with you…won’t  hurt..oh, she hadn’t Well, just let her wear anything…I am here..don’t matter what she wear down here.

We’re makin’ the soup.. and got a great big pot full and there’s everything in it ‘cept the horse’s hoof…forget the horse’s hoof…We’re just talkin’ about it .  We didn’t know it ourselves til we decided to make it.  He asked me if I  knew how to make vegetable soup—I told him “yeah”.  Oh you have what?  Well, put ‘em back in the refigerator and you can have them tomorrow night.  Oh you won’t?  Well, you’re workin’ tomorrow night?  Don’t do nothin’ you don’t want to do—Well, we hve to watch everything…You have to watch it…I guess we’ll have to eat that big pot of soup by ourselves.  Well, they’ll keep until tomorrow…Why won’t she cook?  You just cook ‘em, put ‘em in there and they’ll keep.  Oh—shoo—well, OK…yeah…oh, listen are you going to meet us down here or do you want us to pick you up there?  Wouldn’t hurt…be a good idea..Roger’ll be here and John will be in and hout…he won’t be goine nowhere..well, he’ll be down—he got to help that girl move in…it’ll be alright…well..park it in the backway…they don’t steal gas aaround here.  NOBODY stole gas around here—you just park it in the back way up to the door…yeah…yeah. .be a week from this Saturday…I’m so glad to be goin’..I don’t know what to do…see all them ole boyfriends I had…I tole Morris…tole Morris Lee..tryin to get thim to go… I tole him before he go to pick out his step daddy. 

I think Janice might want to go but I think that Morris might resist tellin’ me that—you know how he is…yeah…Abingdon…It’s at Abingdon where we go…so…ush..he said he might hve to work that night…I said you might hve to go fishin’.  He don’t work on Saturday nights…not very often…he could get off if he wanted to he doesn’t want off—‘cause he know he could..soup sure does smell good.

Well…it don’t have calories—well, he sure did make a good pot of soup.

(she giggles)

You know what John said…you know what  he said?  Get your rump down here!  Get your RUMP down here…

(to me)

she done got her supper laid out…pork chops for tonight.

(to phone)
He said to bring it..Well that alright—bring your company with you.. you can fry the pork chops and have the soup too.  Wy yeah, they’d be good together.  They’d be good together and …and..uh..vegetable soup together… Well, decide what you want to do..well ok..bye…

(Mrs.Ingles hangs up phone)

She said she didn’t know whether she could or not and said she been washing and all this stuff for Debbie getting’ all her clothes and she had to watch her gas…and I know darn well that I had. My back hasn’t hurt for days with this brace on…No it hasn’t…When I go down there I goin’ to wear no brace that night that night…I’m not going to take it. I’m goin’ to wear my regular clothes.

Have you tasted it?

I tell you there was no darn man who’d tell me where I couldn’t go…Nobody’d tell husband didn’t…he trusted me…anywhere I want to go…I went…

Them carrots are not quite done.

I may get married…he wants me to…I don’t want to though…I hadn’t see but that one man that I want and he told me three lies and that turned me against him.

If he lie on one thing, he’ll lie on somethin’else and he had no reason to lie and when he write to his sister or sister in laws they ask if they seen or heard anything from me…and he was just so nice as pie to me and he come up here and he had some friends up here that played checkers a lot and he’d go to the store, git groceries, anything that I’d need he’d git and when he came he said “do you have any money?” and I said I’ll take two or three thousand dollars if you got it!  It wasn’t nothing for him to give out a hunnert dollars.  That’s the durn truth..but that lie…he had no business…I said “why’d you do that” and HE said  I was getting’ so close to him that he had to tell something.—I said “why didn’t you tell the truth?” So I made him give me the key back to the front door….and THAT”S his checkerboard sittin’ in there and he’s never goin’ to git it.  Perhaps I’ll change my heart—

you need some salt in that—That’s a big pot…

Well, sometimes I get the feelin’ that I’d give anything in the world to see him—then the last time he came I wanted to see him so bad but when he DID come I didn’t care whether he come or not—his sister and his sister in law tell me everything…

it has a good taste to it…It needs to be cooked some more though…
Hey, John—put about a tablespoon full of sugar in that…Give it a good sweet taste…

I got to see that ole doctor on the second…on the second I got to go see him.  He said he was goin' to give me an X-Ray of my back and see if I couldn’t go without the brace…this is a different one!  There’s something wrong with that…you see this –I had one fracture type—to raid that window there and a fractured rib—and they put this one on it.

It hurt all day yesterday…see…It’s right…right in here—its where that arthritis has been busy and I’s tellin’ my sister what I had…said she had the same thing—said it was caused by liftin' patients in a hospital.  It won’t hurt you while you’re doin’ it but you pull and lift and twist and turn and then when the husband got sick I had to lift him by myself.  Now you can’t believe that I have…He’d had dysentery so much all the time and you just had to lift him and change him and they just sent me great big boxes of pads down here from the hospital and the orderlies from time to time would come in and help me and he got so he could lift himself—he couldn’t turn.  I did it.  Shoo…you talk to me .  You work around the hospital and now we had orderlies that would come and help you with men…and the women will get up their big heavy people—maybe two women—will get under their arms and lift those heavy men up into wheel chairs…what’s that goin’ to do to them…I tole this lady..Miss Bizarre…I said—Miss Bizarre—I wouldn’t do that .. You know what you’re doin’ to yourself..why don’t you get your orderly..she said they didn’t have no orderly. I said  “how can you two small women lift that heavy man into that chair and then from the chair into the bed.  Now you know that’s too hard for a woman to do..

Stir the don’t want to burn the bottom.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Saturday Round Up: Just in case you missed it

I thought the Magpie was going to be stuck talking about those boring republicans again this week but the news never ceases to disappoint me. Nope.  Not ever…ever….ever…and ever.

Al Quaida Owes 9.3 Billion Dollars

Apparently, a US District Judge has determined that Al Quaida owes the companies who suffered such tremendous damage 9.3 Billion Dollars.  I want to be the bug in the phone when a collector tries to call to collect that money.  How many times can a collector take over the phone the hissing and spitting of “Die! Satanic Swine”.  Well, Al Quaida, we know that bill collectors are all Satanic Swine and now you will get a call. I hear they transferred Peggy to collections.

Perhaps a time to reflect on 9/11 once again:  I’m sorry you lost all of your pretty, shiny buildings and I sincerely hope you can recoup your losses and I am pretty sure you don’t care when I say that you cannot recoup the loss of human life or the light diminished in a human soul when one loses a loved one in such a violent way.

Yes, I hope you get your money back.  It is after all what you are all about.  I would hope that you will partician a portion of that 9.3 billion dollars to the families who so richly deserve it.  You can rebuild, that’s a given, but you aren’t yet so all powerful that you can rebuild a human life.

Good luck to you on that.

Philedelphia: To the City of Brotherly Love

Four mentally disabled people were found locked in a basement in Philadelphia.  Apparently someone called and complained about squatters in the building and police were sent to investigate.  They found four disabled people locked in a basement behind steele door that had been chained. The unfortunate four will survive and are resting comfortably at the hospital while the police figure out who was charged with their care.

Whoever the scum were that incarcerated these poor souls to you I say this:  I hope you are the guys assigned to go to the door of Al Quaida requesting that they pay back that 9.3 billion dollars.  You will deserve exactly what they would give you.

This monstrous behavior that you have levied on these innocents is shameful and deserves the severest response from authorities.  I am assuming that these poor folks are getting some sort of check for disability which you are selfishly keeping to yourselves.  I hope that Social Security will chase your sorry butts down and get you your just desserts.

Finally, something much better then an IPad:  The Numi

Oh so many words flushed though my head when I read about the Numi. It’s a toilet. Its not JUST a toilet:  it’s a 6400 dollar toilet from Koehler. So…. really people.  Come this Christmas when your kid looks at the only present under the tree, it has his name on it and it’s the ONLY present under the tree and it’s a freakin’ TOILET!—well, you heard “I told you so” right here.  Don’t sacrifice your Christmas so you can have an ass as clean as Donald Trump’s.

Seriously this is a toilet that is electronic, it has backlighting or should I say “backside lighting” and it will clean you AND dry your spoiled little tushie.

The Mighty Magpie will leave you with this one truism regarding the Numi:  A rat can still crawl up that toilet drain and pop out of the Numi and bite you in the bum.

I’m just sayin.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Is Herman Cain the GOP Obamaphant?

Got to say that you starched collared overly conservative Republicans, creatures of the Grand Old Party are certainly amusing these days.  Chris Matthews, of Hardball, has referred to you as clowns and I think I have to agree with him. The last debate was filled with unforgettable (well to the GOP surely forgettable) comedic quips which I think were supposed to be witticisms but came out as absolute “wittlesscisms”.

 Rick Perry, you are pretty much dead in the water since it’s become apparent to this writer that your flash card subscription to the Weekly Reader has run out and now you are left to think on your own.  Newt Gingrich, you looked pathetic sitting next to those youngsters trying to look like you belonged to this current squawking nest of Junior Birdmen.  I felt sorry for you.  You are obviously out of place and are a  much, much brighter bird then this current batch of Reago-Bots and you should, in all fairness, be a front runner.  I have no clue as to why you are not garnering the poll points that would put you in the front except maybe you are still trapped in your glory days. Snap out of it Newtster. As the Yogi would say “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over”.

Michelle Bachman. Good Lord.  If the real world were a Superman Comic, you would be Michelle Mxyzptlk because you obviously exist in some kind of strange alternate dimension.  You are not funny, Michelle. You are a politician. Show us something that is not too terribly off the wall.  You can make fun of me, of course. It’s the thing you seem to do best but just remember that my Superman analogy doesn’t even come close to your spotting the sign of the Antichrist in Herman Cain’s plan.  I don’t dismiss your comment as a joke, Michelle.  You command, like Governor Perry, a lot of religious attention and those people mistakenly believe your word is gospel.

Personally, I think you have a lot of positive potential but you need to focus.

Herman Cain? Well, I will get to you in a moment.

You “GOPian” groovy gurus have got to stop attacking each other and start working as a team. You have to stop attacking Obama.  Hawk stalking the president with “tough” but goofy rhetoric isn’t making any of you look like presidential material.  All of you are second bananas to Joe the Plumber and he ain’t running for president although I hear he may be attempting a run at congress.

Mit Romney? Well bless your heart.  You are the silent Sam of the group and it’s become clear that you are a man who has learned from your last run for the rose garden. You seem to be a keen observer of your opponents and have taken the road of the wisest of the three monkeys and clamped your hand over your mouth.  It’s a good strategy and this road you are taking seems to be leading you straight to the Republican nomination.

But you know…and I don’t want to be the one to say this, Mit.  You are the Republican answer to Al Gore.  We all love Al but he was a big yawn on the political circuit. However, if it turns out that if you are Al Gore and you can’t be president this second time around then you can just settle for a Nobel Prize and an Oscar which is much more lucrative then being president. Because, Mit, you really are all about the money which, strangely, makes me feel warm and fuzzy because if you know how to make the cash flow for yourself, maybe you will make the cash flow for us citizens who don’t want a hand out but a chance to work and “hand in”.

Maybe that front runner and the beast that beat Obama will be you, Mr. Romney, sir.   Here’s hoping, because I actually like you. You come across as a very nice guy on the whole and you have nice teeth.

Ok Herman, you’re next.  Could you be the next Obama?  I think it would be exciting to have two African American candidates with opposing intellectual opinions go head to head but I can’t seem to shake it out of my noggin’ that you, Herman, were a CEO of a corporation and that this untouchable class led our economy to disaster in my book.  CEOs have quite the track record, don’t they?  People complain about these executive getting  fat bonuses and the fact that a CEO ‘s bottom line is to answer to the financial whims of his investors and to his board. Nothing else, no one, really matters as long as that big pizza pan of US dollars keeps rolling in to fatten the coffers of those to whom you answer.  I just can’t shake it.

To whom do you answer, Mr. Cain?  To whom will you answer, Mr. Cain?

But ignore me on my personal qualms.  You are making an impressive rise in the polls. You do seem to have something to say and you are putting out ideas, at least, and your voice is being heard.  You are still battling for position in the race but you are beginning to perform well. Will you beat Mit?  It is very hard to say at this time but I think you have a darn good chance.  At best, you would make one heck of a Vice Presidential candidate. You do have a regular Joe appeal and you are frequently seen on the television talking about all the “this and thats” of the typical political day. People know you and respect you. Well, I don’t-- but that’s a story for another day.

Herman, I don’t think your 9-9-9 proposal is of the devil or that the devil is contained in the details as Michelle Bachman said.  I think the devil is smarter then your plan and regarding your 9-9-9, I don’t see its merits but I am going to keep my mind open just like I will keep my mind open on the other candidate’s thoughts and ideas.

You see, I am not close-minded when it comes to politics. I don't really care if you are an Elephant or a Donkey.  I am going to vote for the person I think is the best man or woman for the job.  This entire fluffy feather rooster ruffling that you guys are engaged in is irrelevant.   You all still have a chance to soar but get out of this sniping hole that you guys have dug for yourself and talk to us like we, the people, matter.  Sort out your laundry and then tell us why you think you should be president.  I really want to know.

Otherwise, get the gosh darned heck off of my TV set.

I’m just saying…

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Battle of the Cowpens or Obama the Swamp Fox

I am absolutely in awe and wonderment when I look at the current performance of our president and I just can’t wrap my head around his behavior as our commander-in-chief. Truth be told, something really smells and I have a wacky theory.

But first, I borrowed the Way Back Machine from Mr. Peabody and we need to take a little trip back in time in order to see what is rotten in Obamaland.  There is something that I really need to see.  Lets go back in time now!

It’s January 17, 1781 and we are in South Carolina.  The air is rift with the smell of gunpowder and powdered wigs.  Yes, this is the Battle of the Cowpens. 

Cowpens?  Cowpens you say?  You can’t be serious.  Well I am as serious as a hamburger sitting on the head of a Vegan.  I’m just that serious.

Since Texas and other National authorities have taken it upon themselves to rewrite American history on the fly, let me enlighten you.  You might find this most interesting. At best, it’s a pretty cool story about the general resourcefulness of the American People.

To recap, Once upon a time there were two Generals.  The American General was Nathaniel Greene who was personally appointed by George Washington himself.   In the other corner weighing in at 100,000 stone for every bit of ego he possessed was General Lord Cornwallis.

Now, working for General Greene was Daniel Morgan who was sort of a tactical genius by his own right and working for General Cornwallis was Lord Tarleton.  Daniel Morgan has been described by Historian John Buchanan as "the only general in the American Revolution, on either side, to produce a significant original tactical thought”  He’s that good!

You might remember Tarleton as the sadistic, narcissistic general from the Mel Gibson movie, “The Patriot”.  Actually, Tarleton served the British military with great distinction and was instrumental in the capture of Charles Lee.  He was young but rising quickly in the British ranks.    In other words, this was going to be the fight to end all fights.  The dream teams were picked.  All of these men were stars of their day.

I’m going to keep this short because that darn Mr. Peabody charges me by the word for the use of his Way Back Machine.

Tarleton, hands down, had a better-trained and more professional army.  He had the British Legion that consisted of 250 Calvary and 200 Infantry.  He had 50 of the 17th Light Dragoons, 24 Royal Artillery and two 3 pounder cannons, 177 of the Royal Fusiliers, 42 light infantry, 334 of Fraser’s Highlanders commanded b Major Arthur MacArthur, 31 of the Loyalist Prince of Wales American Regiment and a company of 50 Loyalist guides.

Daniel Morgan, on the other hand, had a battalion of continental soldiers commanded by Lt-Col John Howard and a whole bunch of Militiamen too numerous to name but take note in one key thing: Militia.  The whole Militia thing is where the fun begins.

Militiamen were  very well meaning but untrained fighters.  Generally, they would face the front line and when the volleys began, most would scatter and run when confronted by the British.  Again, well meaning, untrained and scared duck-less.  Daniel Morgan was counting on the Militiamen’s unique ability to turn tail and run.  He was relying on it to activate his strategy.

Now the terrain on which the battle was to take place consist of sloping hills that created blind spots.  Morgan placed his men in three lines facing the British.  The first two lines were American Militiamen and the third line was made up of the professional continental Army.

Morgan gave ONE order to the two lines of Militiamen.  When the British approached the first line and came into firing range, the Militiamen were to fire two shots, drop all of their gear and turn and run and merge with the second line.  The command manipulated the British into thinking that they were actually winning.

The second line was given the same order, fire two volleys then drop your gear and turn and run and merge with the continental line which they did.      Again, the British took to the charge eager to route the defeated colonists and in their lust to win, the British ran straight into the Continental American Army who did not turn and run but instead manage to route the British.

The Americans fired on the British at no less then 30 yards and then fixed bayonets and charged bringing the British advance to a complete halt.  The British lines began to falter and as the Americans moved forward, the British line collapsed and like the Militiamen, the British turned and ran.  This was a sound victory for the Americans and represented a significant change in the direction of the Revolutionary War. 

There is more to the strategy in this battle. The American ability to improvise mid battle for example but I will leave that for the experts. Mr. Peabody wants his Way Back machine returned and return it I must.

 Which brings me to my point:

The Republican Party seems to be getting cocky lately.  They are making an assumption that Obama is weak and can be pushed around.  Seems to me that Obama is setting up lines of fire and that the Republicans in their overeager blindness to do nothing but defeat Obama are charging forward without examining the battle strategy.  Think about it.  Obama concedes, concedes and concedes.  Then he does nothing but sit there and with that benign look of his and he lets the republicans for the most part have their way.  Now lately, he has turned and is on the attack and he is attacking them soundly, turning back on them and he now has a better jobs package and he has portrayed the Republican Party as a bunch of hyenas who can only chew on the political leftovers of days gone by.  

Believe me, Obama may not be the cowering, republican capitulating weak and indecisive man he has made himself to be.  Watch out, Republicans!  I think you may be dealing with a Swamp Fox.

I’m just sayin….                    

Saturday, October 8, 2011

The Mighty Magpie's Saturday Round Up

Ebooks, Authors and Blogging the Ad

Writers Weekly and Booklocker co-owner, Angela Hoy, recently wrote a blog entry in defense of authors who want to receive free copies of their eBooks. You can find the source article here:

 I actually have a response for this situation, which may surprise many of you.  Angela, I am a huge fan of Writers Weekly (WW) and follow your site faithfully which is conveniently embedded in my Google Reader.  I get a lot of choice information from WW and I think hands down it’s an Internet content creator’s absolute dream.  Frankly, I can’t live without you, Angela.

Let’s nutshell, shall we?  In a nutshell, Authors write eBooks for publishers, publishers publish ebooks and make lots and lots of tiny scraps of digitally sexy money.  Publishers then roll around in glee naked, bathing obscenely in their newfound Internet dough and then reluctantly, like Scrooge parting with a penny, return a small portion to the authors of the eBooks. We call this “paying a royalty”.   Sometimes an author may also want a complimentary copy of the eBook.

Now Comes “the Rub” as the Bard Would Say:

“Nawwwwww……” says the Publisher “don’t wanna”.  The author gets sufficiently irritated and the publisher doesn’t really care because authors, as we all well know, are a dime a dozen. 


Not all publishers.  Booklocker co-owner Angela Hoy loudly proclaims this in her ad-like soapbox and I loudly believe that she has the right and obligation to do so because it brings to the overexcited new writer something to “look before leaping” about:  With WHOM should I publish? That is the question.

I’m on the fence here. One one hand, let’s defend the authors but I can’t shake it out of my head that if an author writes the eBook and relinquishes ownershop of said book to the publishing house why would he need a complimentary copy of the eBook itself.  It’s on his hard drive. Now in RL publishing I understand the need for the copy but not so much for the eBook.

Ok, maybe he wants to see it in the final format. I get that; but as a publisher, which I am not, I would be worried about the author freely distributing the article to friends who in their most virulent enthusiam begin to pass the eBook to their friends who pass it to their friends and so on and so on. You know, what these uninformed fans like to call “free advertising (so ya better be grateful)”.  This type of viral action can only hurt the financial bottom line of both the book publisher and the author and if the book publisher cannot make money on an eBook venture then the publisher may become reluctant to publish digital media.

ON The Other Hand

The publisher could set up a profile website for its authors which allows the author to update its content and in the content control section, the author could see a one time download and a restricted PDF version of the featured ebook.

Its that simple.  Can this be done?  Hey if we can either fake or actually put a man on the moon, then surely this solution is a viable one.

Lastly, authors need to take a more proactive roll in negotiating their contracts.  Spell out the terms at the beginning and include the complimentary copy. Again, the solution is that simple.

Angela, I agree with you 100 percent that authors should receive a complimentary copy at a 100 percent discount but I think the copy should automatically come to the author upon publication of the eBook and the receipt of that eBook confirmed by both the author and publisher.  It’s very easy to live happily ever after if both parties are in agreement.

The Magpie’s ONLY Comment on the Death of Steve Jobs

Well, I let the others write the obvious on Steve Jobs.  Oh you read it all: he was suckled on the goat-like tit of Thomas Alva Edison, He sprang like Athena from the metal head of Henry Ford,  He was a never forgotten icon of this generation which I would like to point out is aging and somewhat forgetful.  This past week you heard it all.  Well, I was looking for something to say but I was getting upstaged by all of the big blog cats on the internet mountain top.

So, I was over at the Huffington Post reading this and that and I came upon one of those endless tomes to his greatness.  Well, the one that I found in my Google Reader gave me a typical “he’s dead” title and a posting by Google Adsense and I think Steve Jobs would have loved it so here dear reader, one last song to Steve Job for you.

Huffington Post:  Steve Jobs Dead
Google Adsense:  Jobs Available

‘Nuff Said.

And for the Magpie’s final entry in this weeks round up:

Happy Birthday Johanna Kearns!

She got a car for her birthday! Not just any car but this was the car in which she was born.  Sounds so sweet!

Your mother was in the back seat of your car with her legs spread wide birthing a baby, hot towels everywhere, she was probably cursing the very life of your father and he was telling her "short breaths honey short breaths". 

Childbirth is an exhilarating experience and I am so glad I did not have to do it—it you want to garner any kind of respect for women, childbirth is the very reason.  When one someone says “buck it up and be a man” remember that neither of these male specimens ever “birthed no babies”.  So who is the stronger of the sexes.  Well, I remember the size of my daughter’s head as it emerged from her mother’s womb.  I have to concede the title to the women: Sorry fellas.

As for Johanna, happy birthday to you, enjoy your car and keep your eye the road--oh and no more car babies.

 I'm Just Sayin...

The Mighty Magpie Copyright 2011 by John Mahogany

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hills With White Elephants or Lemmings Against the Wall Street

My general take on life is this:  I tilt my head sharply to the side, Gilbert Godfrey the eyes and the teeth and then furiously scratch my head like Cheetah the Chimp. It’s safe to say that I have found a real head-scratcher in the in the current Wall Street protests.

First, as an onlooker, a faithful follower of the daily news events, I have NO clue as to what they are protesting about and, it seems, neither do they.  There is no organization, no megaphones, no featured speakers, none of the “this and that’s” which decorate the well run and well organized protests.   Watching this protest session is like watching what happens when you stamp you foot down over an anthill; total chaos!

It seems to me that there is no organized point. One guy is there promoting his website, some are selling, selling, selling (pardon my obsession with Jean Claude Van Italie) and others are just milling about looking dazed and confused but determinate because they are there to protest; they just don’t rightly know why.

If this is the madding crowd, they are far from it.


What I surmise and not being all politically “learnified” in all things political is this:  an opportunity and now my big questions:

If Mit Romney, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachman, and Barack Obama are so all fired smart and they know what WE the PEOPLE need, why are they not there helping to organize these protests?

Politicians!  This is a town meeting waiting to happen and you folks just laze about moseying along on your campaign trails talking to us the American People who are heck out of luck and dry out of jobs!  How can you assume what we need when you can’t even haul your political posteriors to a rally waiting to happen?

What a bunch of numb nuts you all are, both parties.  If you were salesmen which you are supposed to be, I would fire you on the spot for missing such a golden opportunity and if you are businessmen, Mr. Herman Cain, why would I want to do business with you if you can’t see the golden opportunity for the political banter.

Get to work, folks! Your lemmings are calling you to lead them and not one of you has stepped up to the plate and taken the time to show up to this Wall Street protest and show them, these American People, that you are willing to care and that you are willing to lead them to a brighter day.

If you can’t do something this simple, why should I vote for you and entrust you with the handling of this country and its economy?

I’m just saying…

Monday, October 3, 2011

Dear Andy Rooney:

I never knew the strapping young lad who, with great reluctance, joined the military during World War II.  I never knew the young lad who was opposed to that war until he got there and saw the carnage that was beginning to blanket the world.  I never knew the young lad who decided that maybe the war was indeed justified.
I never knew the man who put up with and wrote for Arthur Godfrey (who even I knew from pouring through books as a most difficult man).   Still, you managed to spin a joke or two as a professional writer would and did in those days.
I never knew the man, the writer, who wrote and produced for Harry Reasoner but I wish I did.  I have seen the old broadcasts and still watch them along with many other of my archaeological finds.
 I barely got to know you during your first days at 60 minutes but I did get to know you, first as a shadow talking to another shadow hidden away among the guest commentaries.  Then one day there you were with your rusty and cranky old comments--a scary old man-- and in all of that time you never went away like things tend to do for all of us, you never quit and I knew you would be there for me every Sunday without fail and in my world of constant disappointment you were there. Your words were a great sense of comfort for me in my more troubled days.
Well you went away ONCE but you know more about that then I do but I do understand.
I finally got to know you as the curmudgeonly troll and now wise old owl that you are, always the working man’s Oscar the Grouch and as I got to know you, with all of your complaining, with all of the snappy, sappy comments about what is wrong with this product or that product and with ALL of your final words (agree or disagree) I grew to love you.
Because I love you, Mr. Rooney, I have to let you go but I will look for you here and there expecting to see you peeking at the world behind piles of dusty old books and broken sunglasses.  I expect you to pop up like a Kanga Rooney and surprise me as I yelp with delight and surprise as I find you again—reading and savoring the words of someone who got to do what he wanted and did so well.
Write on, Andy!   I will miss you but you gave me so much and I am grateful for those words that I got.  Get some sleep and I won’t ask you for an autograph and you go ahead and enjoy your dinner.
Your Friend Whom You Never Met--John Mahogany

Saturday, October 1, 2011

This is MY Country

Well, I have to always say that it's never a dull moment in Lizard Lick, North Carolina.  I was traveling to Virginia to see an old friend who is a gun member and a proud member of the National Rifle Association and a card carrying, Obama hatin' Republican Red Neck when I the good fortune of stopping off in a town that I had not visited in, say, about 20 years or so called Lizard Lick.

Lizard Lick is the only town in NC that refuses to associate itself with barbecue or tarheels or panthers or anything North Carolina.  They come from a distinctly hardy stock of American Credit Union members and pastry chefs so they really have no allegiance to anyone.  They shoot liberals and castrate conservatives--that's the Lizard Lick way.

Well, my plan was to pass right on through and then I saw the sign: Performing today! One Day Only!  The Bank of Americans Barbershop Quartet!  You have NO idea what kind of things started swimming around in my head or the Joker-like grin that began to spider across both sides of my face.

Oh there was NO way I was going to pass this moment in what I was sure to be a most amusing moment in the time I was wasting so I headed off to the Lizard Lick High School, home of the Lizard Lick Wrestlercheros  and their pep squad "the Lady Lickerettes"(Oh I am so not going to touch that one).

I paid my 10 dollars ( a bit steep for barbarshop), headed into the auditorium, sat down next to this enormously robust woman who sat stiffly beside me while staring straight ahead, lower lip sticking forward like a continental shelf and with needles clacking away like  a mighty steam engine barreling its way to Petticoat Junction.

Ladies and Gentleman!  The Bank of Americans Barbershop Quartet!

And here is what they sang:

"This is MY Country! Land of MY purse
This is My Country! We’re the Greediest on Earth
You owe us banks your allegiance, Americans, I’m told
For this is MY country to Grab and Foreclose.

What Difference if you hail from North or South
Or from East or West?
I’ve taken homes from all of you.
I only know I swell with pride
To see Old Granny hit the streets.

With my hand in your chest, I wrench out your heart
For I love to crush your dreams.
Your body is broken, your hopes are gone
For I OWN the United States!

This is MY Country! Senators have no say!
This is MY Country!  They can all be bought away
They pledged me their allegiance, Congress loves it gold!
For this is MY Country, to have and to HOLD (in escrow)!"

I'm just saying...