The Magpie Sunday Roundup

The Oboes are No Longer Dating

Yes, its true dear readers, President Obama and Speaker Boehner—the Oboes—not another celebrity break up in the works, it can’t be! There will be no more golfy glances at the fairlanes for the Oboes, that scurrilous couple of goofy golfers who swore that they would be best boyfriends for ever. Seems that since they took their relationship to the workplace, Boehner is saying that their caddy coupling is cooled. Mr. Speaker Dude, Obama took one in the nethers for you and your perky tea party friends in that compromising position you put him in—you know the one where you held the country hostage and threatened to shut it down?  Well, Mr. President, friends don’t bend over for other friends. Let that be a lesson learned.

Herman Cain: A banker in 99 percent clothing

OK, lately it seems that Mr. Cain has started to attack the mainstream media.  He does not like what they say to us little folk out here and says that the media is trying to hurt him by serving out dishes and dishes of mealy-mouthed misinformation.  Well what do you know!  Where have I heard that one before? OH YES! From you, Mr. Cain—everybody thinks “we the people are stupid” and it’s even the title of your book, which I actually thought had a lot of merit. If you said what either you or the  ghostwriter wrote in the book and not what is on your mind, you would be one tough hombre for anyone to beat.  OH and Mr. alternative to the Republicans and Democrats who think we are stupid---did you not think I would notice that you are a banker?  Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve of Kansas?  To be fair, Cain did work his way from the ground up and for a while was sort of a Jean Luc Picard of industry then the bank ate him and he was banked into America’s Locutus of Bank.  Say it ain’t so cause I will believe you and not the mainstream media.

Let me just say this:  Stand on your merits. It's beneath you to point fingers.  I never believe the news, that is why there is fact checking. Likewise, tell Fox to quite going to bat for you. It makes things look worse then what they really are and maybe MSNBC will leave you alone as well.

And speaking of Mitt Romney:

 You should take a second look at Herman Cain’s resume and start speaking up a bit more. As a George Romero character said in “Night of the Living dead” and I paraphrase—“Cain’s coming to get you, Mitt”.   Cain is not one huddlers of the teeming shore; he is one of you so deal with him or fade, fade, fade away.  What worries me is that Cain does not lose…ever…he is that good so take him seriously. Heck he even beat colon cancer! Your silent but deadly act is not working.

 A Humpback Whale Nearly Swallows A Surfer and a Kayaker

Santa Cruz, CA--OK this is a simple exercise in truth and logic: If you see an Island and its called “The Zombie Island of Death” and you don’t want your brains eaten, don’t go there. Likewise, if there have been repetitive occurrences of sightings of hungry whales in the water, ask where they have been appearing and stay clear.  These types of animals are moving closer inland because they are hungry and as colorful as you Californians are, a giant humpback whale with a large gaping mouth won’t be able to tell you from a Twinkie. I understand your Californian need to feel superior, you do represent a 10^th of the US population but, dudes, all that tanning oil is going to make you taste like a California Candy Bar—I hear and I can’t confirm the rumor that Whales are gaga over coconut tanning oil—oh hell, any tanning oil for that matter.  There is a huge difference between having your little bikini bottoms pulled down by a small barking dog then being engulfed by a whale.  Exercise some common sense and be careful out there.  If whales eat enough of you, California will lose that 10 percent voters advantage.

 And Finally…. Here’s Andy Rooney

I remember watching a documentary on Merv Griffin and he was talking about  his experiences interviewing Orson Welles. Seems Welles had rules on what he would discuss in an interview and what would not be talked about, mainly his personal life. One day he comes on and just opens up to Merv about his life and fond moments and such, spilling every detail. That afternoon, Mr. Welles died.

I think some people know when its time to go to the elephant’s graveyard and like Mr. Welles, I think Andy did too.  I feel sorry for this world that lost such a great humorist and crab man par excellence but I also feel sorry for the world that is about to receive him. I am sure they are not ready for that sharp tongue and Errol Flynn as a pirate wit.  Bon Voyage, Mr. Rooney, my friend whom I never met.  I envy the afterlife for getting such an essential voice of this and the previous century and when I die and turn on the eternal television set to “60 Eons”, I am sure you will be right there at the end of each program bitching about how hard it is to unwrap a pair of angelic wings.  Bon Voyage!

I’m John Mahogany and for 60 Eons…I’m just sayin….

OK, This Has Got To Stop

I keep telling myself to leave Herman Cain alone. The man is entitled to his opinion and he obviously has an excellent track record when it comes to running a company (Burger King and Godfather’s). In one of my more recent posts, I sent a clear message that I did not like his politics and that I did not think that he was competent to be handed the keys to the buttons that would spell nuclear doom for the entire world.

Folks, I am trying. I am really trying to cut this guy a break but every time I turn on the television, read a paper, pop onto the Internet there he is.  “It’s always something” as the SNL character Roseanne Roseannadanna would say. “It’s always something”.

Today, Herman Cain says (and I am paraphrasing here) that if China starts developing nuclear capability then we must move to prevent that from happening. Herman, China became a nuclear power in 1964!  Did you think that we would not notice this most recent foray into the superior demonstration of your foreign expertise?

Additionally Mr. Cain’s staff has given him a cheat list of names of world leaders to memorize and which are the good guys and which are the bad guys.

His two instances of allegations of sexual harassment have now changed to three.

And here is the coup de grace:

Herman Cain "appears" to be in favor of the banning of abortion. Well to some that is not a bad thing; to some it’s a horrendous thing but Mr. Cain goes a step further and declares that he is for the total banning of abortion: that means that if you are a woman and you are raped and you become pregnant, you must keep the baby or give it up for adoption or whatever but you cannot abort the child.   If you elect to give up the child for adoption, then you or your attorney must acquire consent from the rapist. Ask any adoption attorney.

According to CBS news Mr. Cain, when pressed as to what an extreme circumstance was and would that include rape and incest Cain insisted and I quote: "I do not have exceptions. No I do not. I am pro-life from conception."

When he was on CNN’s Piers Morgan two weeks earlier and I heard him say this on the television that abortion was best left up to the decision of the woman and her family.

Now, in principal this concept of a total abortion ban that Mr. Cain puts forth seems very sound except that there is that whole irritating subject of the law and parent’s rights.  You see, dear reader, if the child is born and there is an identified mother and a father, the courts are hesitant to bastardize the child which means that the rapist would be obligated to pay child support as the legal and biological father (this is certainly a good thing).  However compounding the issue is the pre-supposition that the rapist, as father, now has parental rights.  He will be able to move in and out of his victim’s life at will.  Her life will be his whim. The whole point of rape is power and control over the victim.  To me, a rapist’s parental rights is not only a travesty and an affront to the legal system of this country but it’s also a continuation of the rape as a mental process because the perpetrator can now exercise power and influence over his victim’s life and the life of their child.

Herman Cain, is it too much to ask that you think before you speak? There are some of us out here that you are scaring.  Your attitude toward the American people is, at best, contemptuous and cavalier. You leave the impression that you simply do not care about anything except winning a nomination and these loose cannon comments that you make in all of your best political sincerity illustrate to us the American People that your reckless insensitivity borders on bringing this population closer to the brink of disparity.

Right now this country is looking for its leader and it’s looking for its voice and if it’s not too much of a strain for you folks (democrats and republicans alike) this country would like its pride and dignity back.  No one wants to march and protest and cry out that the world is not fair.

Quite scaring us with your quips and your contempt; it’s obvious that you are not ready to tackle the subject of abortion. Play it safe and leave the real issues to the big boys.

However, again to be fair, Condoleeza Rice said yesterday that when you ascend to the presidency that it is a sobering and overwhelming experience when you first step into the oval office and realize that all those things that you said you would do has to be aligned with the truths and the hard realities that come with being the leader of the free world.  Maybe being president will calm you down. Then again, maybe it will send you over the edge…

I’m just sayin’…

Vegetable Soup

Sit back and have a cup of coffee and try to stay more then 56 seconds.

The Following monologue is for Herman Cain, the GOP and the Tea Partiers.  This is the voice of the common American, our elderly and, to me, a rich source of story no matter how disjointed they sometimes appear to be.   When your are formulating all of your plans to stop spending on Social Security or cut vital programs for the mentally ill or slash the wallets of your grandmother’s or grandfather’s income, remember this woman because these are her EXACT words as I transcribed them 22 years ago from a voice recording.  Here is the story:

Vegetable Soup

While I was making vegetable soup, Mrs. Ingles, my landlady, all of 82 years young,  begins to speak while she watches me prepare the aforementioned vegetable soup.

 I wish they would go.  Anne was actin’ like she had an invitation to have him.  Every time I call down there this morning he’s been busy.  Marie called once and wanted to know what the admission was and what did it cost—but Lucy TOLD me it was free and Bill said what difference if it does cost somethin’—just goin’ out to eat. 

Morris (pronounced Marsh) is tight.  I said “Morris.  Unzip that ole back pocket of yours and that billfold.  You’re goin’ with me!  I BET he’s got 40 thousand dollars in the bank.  More than that!  I’m goin’ to get them to send me a new……

There’s Henry’s new number!  I can’t never remember that number down there…They’d get in the phone down there and Susan’s down there and they…

Drop some onions in there.

Susan…and she makes drapes too! 

But you know…when my sister’s husband died, Bill went to the funeral and I was so sick then…with this brace on my back…I had just hurt it tryin’ to raise this window.  The doctor said “No—you can’t go and so he went in ‘cept nobody didn’t know him.  Not any of his cousins knew him—and the ONLY one that knew him was my sister, Lucy—said she knew it all the time…and my sister-in-law or my niece, married my nephew—lives downtown in Frontville, said—Oh my God  “WHO’S that good lookin’ man!”.  I’d like to know who he is so I could just go!  Bill, her cousin and so my sister got up and had to tell them all who he was.  Wasn’ that something? 

You need to stir that…

And they hadn’t seen him since he came from Vietnam.  They didn’t know him and Bill got the biggest kick out of it that it was…

I’m like Morris—Even it it does cost somethin’ to go out and eat supper—What’s that?  Spend it every day—suit me just fine. 

I believe that Morris will go.  I believe that Janice will keep on and keep on and keep on….Susan will be in school and….oh…

that soup smells good don’t it?  That’s pretty thick soup though..

I’m goin to call them and see how they’re doin’…

(Mrs. Ingles is now on the phone)

What are you doin?  You have an invitation to come down and eat supper… Here..From John…Yeah..he made a great big pot of vegtable soup…NO..he won’t be here tomorrow night.  I mean we won’t have the soup tomorrow night.  He made a bigh pot of vegetable soup and is its really good…well, bring them with you…won’t  hurt..oh, she hadn’t Well, just let her wear anything…I am here..don’t matter what she wear down here.

We’re makin’ the soup.. and got a great big pot full and there’s everything in it ‘cept the horse’s hoof…forget the horse’s hoof…We’re just talkin’ about it .  We didn’t know it ourselves til we decided to make it.  He asked me if I  knew how to make vegetable soup—I told him “yeah”.  Oh you have what?  Well, put ‘em back in the refigerator and you can have them tomorrow night.  Oh you won’t?  Well, you’re workin’ tomorrow night?  Don’t do nothin’ you don’t want to do—Well, we hve to watch everything…You have to watch it…I guess we’ll have to eat that big pot of soup by ourselves.  Well, they’ll keep until tomorrow…Why won’t she cook?  You just cook ‘em, put ‘em in there and they’ll keep.  Oh—shoo—well, OK…yeah…oh, listen are you going to meet us down here or do you want us to pick you up there?  Wouldn’t hurt…be a good idea..Roger’ll be here and John will be in and hout…he won’t be goine nowhere..well, he’ll be down—he got to help that girl move in…it’ll be alright…well..park it in the backway…they don’t steal gas aaround here.  NOBODY stole gas around here—you just park it in the back way up to the door…yeah…yeah. .be a week from this Saturday…I’m so glad to be goin’..I don’t know what to do…see all them ole boyfriends I had…I tole Morris…tole Morris Lee..tryin to get thim to go… I tole him before he go to pick out his step daddy. 

I think Janice might want to go but I think that Morris might resist tellin’ me that—you know how he is…yeah…Abingdon…It’s at Abingdon where we go…so…ush..he said he might hve to work that night…I said you might hve to go fishin’.  He don’t work on Saturday nights…not very often…he could get off if he wanted to ..now he doesn’t want off—‘cause he know he could..soup sure does smell good.

Well…it don’t have calories—well, he sure did make a good pot of soup.

(she giggles)

You know what John said…you know what  he said?  Get your rump down here!  Get your RUMP down here…

(to me)

she done got her supper laid out…pork chops for tonight.

(to phone)

He said to bring it..Well that alright—bring your company with you.. you can fry the pork chops and have the soup too.  Wy yeah, they’d be good together.  They’d be good together and …and..uh..vegetable soup together… Well, decide what you want to do..well ok..bye…

(Mrs.Ingles hangs up phone)

She said she didn’t know whether she could or not and said she been washing and all this stuff for Debbie getting’ all her clothes and she had to watch her gas…and I know darn well that I had. My back hasn’t hurt for days with this brace on…No it hasn’t…When I go down there I goin’ to wear no brace that night that night…I’m not going to take it. I’m goin’ to wear my regular clothes.

Have you tasted it?

I tell you there was no darn man who’d tell me where I couldn’t go…Nobody’d tell me..my husband didn’t…he trusted me…anywhere I want to go…I went…

Them carrots are not quite done.

I may get married…he wants me to…I don’t want to though…I hadn’t see but that one man that I want and he told me three lies and that turned me against him.

If he lie on one thing, he’ll lie on somethin’else and he had no reason to lie and when he write to his sister or sister in laws they ask if they seen or heard anything from me…and he was just so nice as pie to me and he come up here and he had some friends up here that played checkers a lot and he’d go to the store, git groceries, anything that I’d need he’d git and when he came he said “do you have any money?” and I said I’ll take two or three thousand dollars if you got it!  It wasn’t nothing for him to give out a hunnert dollars.  That’s the durn truth..but that lie…he had no business…I said “why’d you do that” and HE said  I was getting’ so close to him that he had to tell something.—I said “why didn’t you tell the truth?” So I made him give me the key back to the front door….and THAT”S his checkerboard sittin’ in there and he’s never goin’ to git it.  Perhaps I’ll change my heart—

you need some salt in that—That’s a big pot…

Well, sometimes I get the feelin’ that I’d give anything in the world to see him—then the last time he came I wanted to see him so bad but when he DID come I didn’t care whether he come or not—his sister and his sister in law tell me everything…

it has a good taste to it…It needs to be cooked some more though…

Hey, John—put about a tablespoon full of sugar in that…Give it a good sweet taste…

I got to see that ole doctor on the second…on the second I got to go see him.  He said he was goin' to give me an X-Ray of my back and see if I couldn’t go without the brace…this is a different one!  There’s something wrong with that…you see this –I had one fracture type—to raid that window there and a fractured rib—and they put this one on it.

It hurt all day yesterday…see…It’s right…right in here—its where that arthritis has been busy and I’s tellin’ my sister what I had…said she had the same thing—said it was caused by liftin' patients in a hospital.  It won’t hurt you while you’re doin’ it but you pull and lift and twist and turn and then when the husband got sick I had to lift him by myself.  Now you can’t believe that I have…He’d had dysentery so much all the time and you just had to lift him and change him and they just sent me great big boxes of pads down here from the hospital and the orderlies from time to time would come in and help me and he got so he could lift himself—he couldn’t turn.  I did it.  Shoo…you talk to me .  You work around the hospital and now we had orderlies that would come and help you with men…and the women will get up their big heavy people—maybe two women—will get under their arms and lift those heavy men up into wheel chairs…what’s that goin’ to do to them…I tole this lady..Miss Bizarre…I said—Miss Bizarre—I wouldn’t do that .. You know what you’re doin’ to yourself..why don’t you get your orderly..she said they didn’t have no orderly. I said  “how can you two small women lift that heavy man into that chair and then from the chair into the bed.  Now you know that’s too hard for a woman to do..

Stir the soup..you don’t want to burn the bottom.

Is Herman Cain the GOP Obamaphant?

Got to say that you starched collared overly conservative Republicans, creatures of the Grand Old Party are certainly amusing these days.  Chris Matthews, of Hardball, has referred to you as clowns and I think I have to agree with him. The last debate was filled with unforgettable (well to the GOP surely forgettable) comedic quips which I think were supposed to be witticisms but came out as absolute “wittlesscisms”.

 Rick Perry, you are pretty much dead in the water since it’s become apparent to this writer that your flash card subscription to the Weekly Reader has run out and now you are left to think on your own.  Newt Gingrich, you looked pathetic sitting next to those youngsters trying to look like you belonged to this current squawking nest of Junior Birdmen.  I felt sorry for you.  You are obviously out of place and are a  much, much brighter bird then this current batch of Reago-Bots and you should, in all fairness, be a front runner.  I have no clue as to why you are not garnering the poll points that would put you in the front except maybe you are still trapped in your glory days. Snap out of it Newtster. As the Yogi would say “it ain’t over ‘til it’s over”.

Michelle Bachman. Good Lord.  If the real world were a Superman Comic, you would be Michelle Mxyzptlk because you obviously exist in some kind of strange alternate dimension.  You are not funny, Michelle. You are a politician. Show us something that is not too terribly off the wall.  You can make fun of me, of course. It’s the thing you seem to do best but just remember that my Superman analogy doesn’t even come close to your spotting the sign of the Antichrist in Herman Cain’s plan.  I don’t dismiss your comment as a joke, Michelle.  You command, like Governor Perry, a lot of religious attention and those people mistakenly believe your word is gospel.

Personally, I think you have a lot of positive potential but you need to focus.

Herman Cain? Well, I will get to you in a moment.

You “GOPian” groovy gurus have got to stop attacking each other and start working as a team. You have to stop attacking Obama.  Hawk stalking the president with “tough” but goofy rhetoric isn’t making any of you look like presidential material.  All of you are second bananas to Joe the Plumber and he ain’t running for president although I hear he may be attempting a run at congress.

Mit Romney? Well bless your heart.  You are the silent Sam of the group and it’s become clear that you are a man who has learned from your last run for the rose garden. You seem to be a keen observer of your opponents and have taken the road of the wisest of the three monkeys and clamped your hand over your mouth.  It’s a good strategy and this road you are taking seems to be leading you straight to the Republican nomination.

But you know…and I don’t want to be the one to say this, Mit.  You are the Republican answer to Al Gore.  We all love Al but he was a big yawn on the political circuit. However, if it turns out that if you are Al Gore and you can’t be president this second time around then you can just settle for a Nobel Prize and an Oscar which is much more lucrative then being president. Because, Mit, you really are all about the money which, strangely, makes me feel warm and fuzzy because if you know how to make the cash flow for yourself, maybe you will make the cash flow for us citizens who don’t want a hand out but a chance to work and “hand in”.

Maybe that front runner and the beast that beat Obama will be you, Mr. Romney, sir.   Here’s hoping, because I actually like you. You come across as a very nice guy on the whole and you have nice teeth.

Ok Herman, you’re next.  Could you be the next Obama?  I think it would be exciting to have two African American candidates with opposing intellectual opinions go head to head but I can’t seem to shake it out of my noggin’ that you, Herman, were a CEO of a corporation and that this untouchable class led our economy to disaster in my book.  CEOs have quite the track record, don’t they?  People complain about these executive getting  fat bonuses and the fact that a CEO ‘s bottom line is to answer to the financial whims of his investors and to his board. Nothing else, no one, really matters as long as that big pizza pan of US dollars keeps rolling in to fatten the coffers of those to whom you answer.  I just can’t shake it.

To whom do you answer, Mr. Cain?  To whom will you answer, Mr. Cain?

But ignore me on my personal qualms.  You are making an impressive rise in the polls. You do seem to have something to say and you are putting out ideas, at least, and your voice is being heard.  You are still battling for position in the race but you are beginning to perform well. Will you beat Mit?  It is very hard to say at this time but I think you have a darn good chance.  At best, you would make one heck of a Vice Presidential candidate. You do have a regular Joe appeal and you are frequently seen on the television talking about all the “this and thats” of the typical political day. People know you and respect you. Well, I don’t-- but that’s a story for another day.

Herman, I don’t think your 9-9-9 proposal is of the devil or that the devil is contained in the details as Michelle Bachman said.  I think the devil is smarter then your plan and regarding your 9-9-9, I don’t see its merits but I am going to keep my mind open just like I will keep my mind open on the other candidate’s thoughts and ideas.

You see, I am not close-minded when it comes to politics. I don't really care if you are an Elephant or a Donkey.  I am going to vote for the person I think is the best man or woman for the job.  This entire fluffy feather rooster ruffling that you guys are engaged in is irrelevant.   You all still have a chance to soar but get out of this sniping hole that you guys have dug for yourself and talk to us like we, the people, matter.  Sort out your laundry and then tell us why you think you should be president.  I really want to know.

Otherwise, get the gosh darned heck off of my TV set.

I’m just saying…

Hills With White Elephants or Lemmings Against the Wall Street

My general take on life is this:  I tilt my head sharply to the side, Gilbert Godfrey the eyes and the teeth and then furiously scratch my head like Cheetah the Chimp. It’s safe to say that I have found a real head-scratcher in the in the current Wall Street protests.

First, as an onlooker, a faithful follower of the daily news events, I have NO clue as to what they are protesting about and, it seems, neither do they.  There is no organization, no megaphones, no featured speakers, none of the “this and that’s” which decorate the well run and well organized protests.   Watching this protest session is like watching what happens when you stamp you foot down over an anthill; total chaos!

It seems to me that there is no organized point. One guy is there promoting his website, some are selling, selling, selling (pardon my obsession with Jean Claude Van Italie) and others are just milling about looking dazed and confused but determinate because they are there to protest; they just don’t rightly know why.

If this is the madding crowd, they are far from it.

NOW

What I surmise and not being all politically “learnified” in all things political is this:  an opportunity and now my big questions:

If Mit Romney, Herman Cain, Rick Perry, Michelle Bachman, and Barack Obama are so all fired smart and they know what WE the PEOPLE need, why are they not there helping to organize these protests?

Politicians!  This is a town meeting waiting to happen and you folks just laze about moseying along on your campaign trails talking to us the American People who are heck out of luck and dry out of jobs!  How can you assume what we need when you can’t even haul your political posteriors to a rally waiting to happen?

What a bunch of numb nuts you all are, both parties.  If you were salesmen which you are supposed to be, I would fire you on the spot for missing such a golden opportunity and if you are businessmen, Mr. Herman Cain, why would I want to do business with you if you can’t see the golden opportunity for the political banter.

Get to work, folks! Your lemmings are calling you to lead them and not one of you has stepped up to the plate and taken the time to show up to this Wall Street protest and show them, these American People, that you are willing to care and that you are willing to lead them to a brighter day.

If you can’t do something this simple, why should I vote for you and entrust you with the handling of this country and its economy?

I’m just saying…