The Mighty Magpie: Michael Jackson: The Last Moonwalk

The Mighty Magpie: Michael Jackson: The Last Moonwalk: For my part, I am ashamed to admit that I felt no emotion, no outrage at the verdict that was rendered today. I do think four years was a b...

Michael Jackson: The Last Moonwalk

For my part, I am ashamed to admit that I felt no emotion, no outrage at the verdict that was rendered today. I do think four years was a bit scant and that new California laws involving incarceration crippled the severity of the sentence.  As the judge pointed out, he has no jurisdiction to actually enforce a sentence in an involuntary manslaughter case.  According to California law, the sentence will be reduced automatically to two years and the defendant will be remanded to a county jail where it is likely that he will serve his two years under house arrest. 

Justice is served.

What I did feel was a sense of irony that it took this long to bring to a serious courtroom the almost absurd problem of celebrities, their doctors and the issue of recklessly dispensing controlled substances.

The legacy that Michael Jackson leaves us is vast.  It’s fair to say that we grew up with him from the time he was the little boy dancing and spinning to the delight of audiences worldwide, to his groundbreaking video “Thriller” directed by John Landis and with a cameo by the late Vincent Price, to a wonderland that was Neverland, to the ridicule that he suffered as accusations of child misconduct were brought before a court.  He survived the good, the bad and the ugly. This prince of music, this moon dancer, this dream within a dream, survived everything the world had to throw at him until he met his doctors. Drugs and addiction take away one’s ability to make informed and safe self-judgments.

Today’s sentence should be a warning to all doctors everywhere that a precedent has now been set in the courts and that the world is now watching.  Michael Jackson died tragically, yes, but in doing so he may inadvertently save the lives of countless other drug dependent celebrities who, hopefully, will have the common sense to keep a sharp eye on the staff that they have chosen to trust.

Security staffers should also take notice that the job of protecting their charges lie not just in pushing a few hapless paparazzi out of the way.  No. Their new job will now involve protecting a celebrity from his own staff.  Trust is relevant here but taking chances with people you pay to keep yourself is not trust:  its just business as usual.

Still, I wonder. Does Hollywood have the ability to learn from these kind of embarrassing mishaps? I don’t really know but Hollywood is a faux magic land that for so many years depended on “handlers”; publicity people working in cahoots with the local gossip columnists to make problems for the big stars “go away” and while Michael Jackson was not technically part of the Hollywood magic making scene, he was certainly a strong outside influence.

Personally, I feel that there is a need for serious accountability regarding the subjects of celebrities and drugs.  I hate to be a cynic but I have to take a wait and see position on this subject.  A man has died, a doctor tried and sentenced and now as the doctors say in the movies, “we’ve done everything we can. Now, we wait and see.”

I’m just sayin’…

The Mighty Magpie: Sunday Round Up For November 20th

Terror in the Big House

The Associated Press reports that two prisoners, who were attempting to show their love for their ladies, sprinkled a white powder into the letters that they sent. Naturally, thinking that two or three dozen cartons of cigarettes will buy one nickel bag of anthrax, the “authorities” were called in. Taxpayers paid for the trip to the pen (not to be confused with the Penn).

The terrorist type substances turned out to be Lemonade and Sugar.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m as much for the security of our homeland as much as the next person but come on, America, these guys are guilty of what got them landed in prison in the first place: stupidity.

I hear that they may be disciplined. Let me make this requests, prison officials. Let it slide and congratulate your team that your security system works, no one got hurt and this is just an idiot’s equivalent of a fire drill. No harm, no foul.  Your “terrorists” aren’t going anywhere and the ridicule that they will receive from fellow inmates will be punishment enough.

Space Aliens Discover Evidence of Intelligence on Earth

Columbia, SC--Oh yeah. Remember the rock formation on Mars that resembles a man’s face. It got alien conspirators launched into a frothing of the mouths that could only be equaled by Marilyn Monroe’s nude Playboy feature.

Well, its happened again but the twist is that the formation that has been found is right here on the good old planet Earth and in the state of South Carolina no less. Well heavens to Michelin: it was a big ol’ redneck pile of tires. Now being from the Carolinas, I can appreciate this mammoth Mayan-like michelinie-esque ode to Firestone.

The guy who done the deed piled the tires so high and for 50 acres that you could see the mess from outer space. Well, now I seem to remember that the last time something like that happened we lost our single language and the human race was divided by tongue as a punishment by God for our arrogant ways.

Well, I have to confess that this news did sort of leave me speechless but come on its Tires—in the South—a monument to the red of neck.  Its right up there with Mount Rush Limbaugh…large and ridiculous.

A New Yorker owns the land in the dear old south, Floridians are hauling away the tires and a South Carolina man who piled the tires on will have to pay 400 plus dollars in fines. Now if that isn’t the North and the South coming together, nothing is.

Ohio Courthouse Bans Sex Poster

New Philadelphia, Ohio—well, not really. It wasn’t actually a sex poster.  It’s a play called “No sex please, we’re British”.  Apparently, it’s an innocent play about an innocent couple that is plagued with an influx of pornographic mail coming to their small apartment. The offending poster consists of a pair of legs and a skirt across which is the title “No Sex Please, We’re British”.  The really offensive, breath gasping, bible-thumping part of the poster is not the legs but the word “sex”.

Well, if it were not for that word and what it means, you and I would not be here.  I was involved in community theatre for sometime and there was always some old craw with a corncob up one of those banned places who had to snipe and gripe about something was always inappropriate in their less then informed mind. Usually that person is elderly and has nothing better to do OR was not cast in the show and so has an ego based axe to grind.

Well this person insisted the offending public service announcement be banned from the Courthouse, which again proves to me that censorship is just another vehicle of the ignorant. For gosh sakes, see the play before you kill it. You might actually walk away informed. Then you can attack it.

Fairbanks Alaska Has Been Hit with a Record 41 Degree Below Zero

Well…not much I can say here but Hallelujah!   Its snugglin time!

OK, Now This is Just Plain Stupid

Coram, NY—A New Yorker wearing a T-Shirt saying “I’m not an alchoholic/I’m Drunk/Alcoholics go to meetings” slammed into a police car.  He should have taken off the shirt and seduced them with his white knuckled bare chest: that would have at least distracted them from his chesty confession.

But this could be a trend:  “I jay walk for sex and money”, “I’m not a public servant/I’m a politician/bribe me” or  “I’m not a thief/I’m a shoplifter/just ask my publicist”

Ah the world: Lenny Bruce would be so proud.

Hey, If Santa Can Do It, So Can I

Oh hear the tale of Renaldo Jack in Gwinnett County, Georgia.  Renaldo is a 17-year-old teenage boy who, in his zeal to burglarize a home, went to the real authority on burglary special tactics:  Santa Clause.

Seems our intrepid super villain lodged himself in a chimney and could not get out. He spent 10 hours trapped in the chimney hollerin’(that is what we do in the south) for help.  When asked why he went down the chimney in the first place, his response was “I was just stupid”. 

Well he figured that one out.

Which brings to mind a few points:

1. American needs more architects
2. Renaldo should take the architecture course.
3. Why hasn’t Santa been arrested by the Georgia Police?
4. The easy way, good Americans, is not always the best way.

I feel sorry for the guy. Reynaldo got the following: free unwanted publicity and a pound of soot in his lungs. This guy should be the poster child of what happens when a congressman stick his head too far up the lower end of a lobbyist.

I’m just sayin…

Leadership: Why We Need It

Boy, where are the Boy Scouts when you need them?  Now would be a good time for these micro troopers to swoop in and wow us with their manners, their McGiver-like skills with a pocket knife and their strong, I know we can get it done, Horatio Alger attitudes.  We need the Boy Scouts now more then ever.

We have lost our “can do” attitude that is the steam engine that drives this country forward. We worry too much that solvable problems won’t be solved. We shunt to the back of our minds that this is Andy Hardy country: no matter what the situation, we can come up with a solution, we can win the day and afford to buy that old jalopy junk hunkered car down at the local garage.  "Optimism" is just another word for "American".

So where are our leaders; not the eternal bicker snaps like Mitch McConnell whose sole goal for his party is to politically assassinate the president and make sure that he does not serve a second term.  Mitch McConnell has devolved from being a statesman who, for years garnered my unconditional respect, into the Lee Harvey Oswald of political intrigue. Shocked?  Somebody had to say it.

President Obama is not doing much in the way of offering solid leadership either. Me thinks he thinks too hard, I think.  He offers this country up to his opponents in witless compromise and comes to us with slogan after slogan after slogan.  President Obama, I respect you greatly but, honestly, if the GOP wants you politically dead, why would you bother to compromise?  Lead this country, Sir, lead this country.

Then there is Occupy Wall Street. No one really knows what they want or what they stand for.  Occupy Wall Street, as I see it, is a mewling, seething mass of emotion. It’s a n’er do well wannabe revolution in the guise of an amorphous grass roots movement.  This land is my land: mine! Mine! MINE! And I am not sharing.  Occupy Wall Street is a flock of sheep without a head ewe.  The 99 per centers are just a bunch of pissed off people who forgot that great countries, great movements and great men have a manifest; something of relevance to say.

Well, dear reader, there is always the Tea Party. Well, how do I describe the Tea Party—let me cut and paste this line from the Occupy Wall Street crowd: The Tea Party is just a bunch of pissed off people who forgot that great countries, great movements and great men have a manifest; something of relevance to say.  The Tea Party has no host. They are not about leadership. They are nihilists, anarchists and they want their cake handed to them on a golden platter. They want to eat the cake and not share and then they want to eat the platter. They are the most cannibalistic of the bowels of movement that this country seems to be offering today.  If a leader rises in the ranks of the Tea Party, garnish him up and eat him. We don’t want no leaders 'round here.

Leadership.

Leadership, in this country, is the Energizer Bunny without the battery. You remember batteries. Batteries are that energy source that you never have the right size of when a flashlight goes dead.  I put it to you America that our battery of leadership is going dead and there is no right sized battery to step in and light up this country with bright strong guiding light. Right now, we would be better off with gorillas from Jersey Shore running this country.

The GOP candidates have been fun to watch. They have been for us the Grand Old Entertainers. We thank you Republicans for entertaining us. Now lead us. Don’t tell us you are the best leader and then not tell us why.  Not one of you has taken to the task of showing us why Obama must go and how you will LEAD this country.  How will you lead us? Show us your Moses moment, Mitt Romney and not be the silent majority for once. How will you lead us to the Promised Land?  We are all waiting.

Democrats. Ditto. Get off your high horses and quit licking the tail gate side of the special interests pick up truck.  Yeah….we see you. We know what you are doing and leading is not what you are doing. You are the GOP from an alternative universe and you have offered us thus far nothing but self interest, self serving tactics and self involvent beyond the scope of the keepers of our country.

So, if I want a leader I must look to the Supreme Court, right? WRONG!  The Supreme Court is supposed to be the high exalted roost of lofty ideas and opinion. It’s where the wise old owls go to dispense long sought after constitutionally correct solutions.  Right? Wrong.  Apparently our wise old owls are exempt from their own rules: like not participating in special interest fund raising events.  Look at the case of Clarence Thomas:  his wife is a lobbyist for Republican special interest groups.  Yeah, I trust that guy.

These are all we have people, get used to it. We put them there and for better or worse we have to pony up and accept them as the right people for the right job right now. Cough. Cough.

For the Democrats and Republicans alike: this race is proving to be a Filene’s Bargain Basement assortment of simpleton ideas, slogans and under educated guessing.  Whatever happened to the Kennedys, the Goldwaters, god…..even the Reagans.   None of our current contenders are up to the task of leadership; this fact is painfully obvious.

Why do we need leadership?  Because we need jobs and a strong economy. We need hope for a fair and balance future for our citizens.  We need to wake up one morning and feel secure knowing that when we turn on the morning news that nothing bad happened, that we are in our happy place and that our strong and mentally erect leaders got us to the top of the mountain and into the promised land.

I’m just sayin…..

Why Joe Paterno had to Go

Today a 10-year-old child is no safer then he was yesterday or the day before. Last night, the world became privy to an American dirty secret and a horrifying and saddening harsh reality.

Last Night, Joe Paterno was fired along with a relative unimportant unknown: the now former president of Penn State.  Last night the student masses rose up in outrage—earnest social activists that they are.  They rose up in protest of Joe Paterno being fired.  You see, Joe Paterno is an innocent victim too right?

The couple of nights before, there were no public outcry from these students over the rape of a 10-year-old child in a Penn State locker room shower. Child rape was just not that important in this sport driven town ruled by the legendary Joe Paterno. 

I remember down in the south such things were hushed away and never brought up in polite conversation.  It was not proper to speak of such things. It was not proper.

And at Penn State an eerie southern like reenactment occurs: 

1. A child is allegedly raped in a locker room shower stall at Penn State University
2. During the alleged assault, a graduate student witnesses the entire thing and reports the aggression to Joe Paterno
3. The child sees the witness and even then the assault continues.
4. Paterno passes the information up the chain of command and nothing is done to contact the police or even social services about this assault. It would not be proper.
5. Penn State takes the perpetrators locker room keys and tells him to go away for a few days.
6. The alleged perpetrator shows up at ball after being told to stay distant with kids in tow.

So, these students have a right to be outraged although, in this writer’s humble opinion, these righteous students of Penn State should be outraged at themselves.  We all understand team spirit and we do get it. We get it.  But this college and its students; this bastion of the future potential 1 percent simply does not get it.  Why should they? It didn’t happen to them or at least as far as we know.  After all child abuse is one of the things that go neatly and discreetly under a rug, right?

They should be embarrassed and their parents should be ashamed but most likely they will continue to belch their fires of superfluous indignity because an enabler was let go.  That is right, I said “enabler”.  If, for whatever reason, these types of crimes are not reported, then the perpetrator is enabled to go back out and continue his ghastly pattern.

By sending this man away and taking his keys to the locker room and NOT reporting his activities to the authorities, Penn State has allowed him, nay given him permission indirectly, to act against the innocent once again.  Hey, don’t argue with me about this one: the guy showed up with a fresh crop of kids in tow at a Penn State Ball game.

So, intellects of Penn State; what is it that you are protesting exactly?  You should be ashamed of your self and I do not chide you lightly. I am familiar with this scenario.

You see, a long, long time ago in a system far away, I was in a foster home and the male head of that family liked little boys and one day he decided to take me fishing and being in need of being wanted because that is what foster kids need, I went with him.  We got down to his private fishing spot, he showed me “his” private spot and it could have gone further if his wife hadn’t showed up and frantically intervened. She grabbed me up, threw me into her car and dashed away with me.  I was five years old at the time.

You see, she knew about his little problem, did nothing to stop it and it continued with other children in their care. As a matter of fact, I was severely whipped with a fly swatter to my bare five-year-old behind because I went fishing with him. He was not at fault for molestation, I was at fault for tempting her husband.  She was an enabler like Mr. Paterno. Now Child Protective Services found out about my situation and did nothing except pull my sister and me out of that wretched home and stuck us in a children’s home.  My sister suffered the worst and was mute for several years. I cannot comment further on her as that is her story to tell.

My sister and I overcame the trauma but it took many years of enduring a torturous lack of confidence. For me, at least, the episode raises up as a vague but ugly little memory that I just tuck back into some dark and dusty part of my brain.

So my final words are for this assaulted child, whose tragic story takes the back seat to the inconveniencing of a sterile and self-preserving school and sports system.  Son, the world goes on and its possible to rise above this episode despite the riotous behavior of a school full of self absorbed chimps.  My prayers are with you.

As for the chimps:  I hope you never have children.

I’m just sayin….

The Magpie Sunday Roundup

The Oboes are No Longer Dating

Yes, its true dear readers, President Obama and Speaker Boehner—the Oboes—not another celebrity break up in the works, it can’t be! There will be no more golfy glances at the fairlanes for the Oboes, that scurrilous couple of goofy golfers who swore that they would be best boyfriends for ever. Seems that since they took their relationship to the workplace, Boehner is saying that their caddy coupling is cooled. Mr. Speaker Dude, Obama took one in the nethers for you and your perky tea party friends in that compromising position you put him in—you know the one where you held the country hostage and threatened to shut it down?  Well, Mr. President, friends don’t bend over for other friends. Let that be a lesson learned.

Herman Cain: A banker in 99 percent clothing

OK, lately it seems that Mr. Cain has started to attack the mainstream media.  He does not like what they say to us little folk out here and says that the media is trying to hurt him by serving out dishes and dishes of mealy-mouthed misinformation.  Well what do you know!  Where have I heard that one before? OH YES! From you, Mr. Cain—everybody thinks “we the people are stupid” and it’s even the title of your book, which I actually thought had a lot of merit. If you said what either you or the  ghostwriter wrote in the book and not what is on your mind, you would be one tough hombre for anyone to beat.  OH and Mr. alternative to the Republicans and Democrats who think we are stupid---did you not think I would notice that you are a banker?  Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve of Kansas?  To be fair, Cain did work his way from the ground up and for a while was sort of a Jean Luc Picard of industry then the bank ate him and he was banked into America’s Locutus of Bank.  Say it ain’t so cause I will believe you and not the mainstream media.

Let me just say this:  Stand on your merits. It's beneath you to point fingers.  I never believe the news, that is why there is fact checking. Likewise, tell Fox to quite going to bat for you. It makes things look worse then what they really are and maybe MSNBC will leave you alone as well.

And speaking of Mitt Romney:

 You should take a second look at Herman Cain’s resume and start speaking up a bit more. As a George Romero character said in “Night of the Living dead” and I paraphrase—“Cain’s coming to get you, Mitt”.   Cain is not one huddlers of the teeming shore; he is one of you so deal with him or fade, fade, fade away.  What worries me is that Cain does not lose…ever…he is that good so take him seriously. Heck he even beat colon cancer! Your silent but deadly act is not working.

 A Humpback Whale Nearly Swallows A Surfer and a Kayaker

Santa Cruz, CA--OK this is a simple exercise in truth and logic: If you see an Island and its called “The Zombie Island of Death” and you don’t want your brains eaten, don’t go there. Likewise, if there have been repetitive occurrences of sightings of hungry whales in the water, ask where they have been appearing and stay clear.  These types of animals are moving closer inland because they are hungry and as colorful as you Californians are, a giant humpback whale with a large gaping mouth won’t be able to tell you from a Twinkie. I understand your Californian need to feel superior, you do represent a 10^th of the US population but, dudes, all that tanning oil is going to make you taste like a California Candy Bar—I hear and I can’t confirm the rumor that Whales are gaga over coconut tanning oil—oh hell, any tanning oil for that matter.  There is a huge difference between having your little bikini bottoms pulled down by a small barking dog then being engulfed by a whale.  Exercise some common sense and be careful out there.  If whales eat enough of you, California will lose that 10 percent voters advantage.

 And Finally…. Here’s Andy Rooney

I remember watching a documentary on Merv Griffin and he was talking about  his experiences interviewing Orson Welles. Seems Welles had rules on what he would discuss in an interview and what would not be talked about, mainly his personal life. One day he comes on and just opens up to Merv about his life and fond moments and such, spilling every detail. That afternoon, Mr. Welles died.

I think some people know when its time to go to the elephant’s graveyard and like Mr. Welles, I think Andy did too.  I feel sorry for this world that lost such a great humorist and crab man par excellence but I also feel sorry for the world that is about to receive him. I am sure they are not ready for that sharp tongue and Errol Flynn as a pirate wit.  Bon Voyage, Mr. Rooney, my friend whom I never met.  I envy the afterlife for getting such an essential voice of this and the previous century and when I die and turn on the eternal television set to “60 Eons”, I am sure you will be right there at the end of each program bitching about how hard it is to unwrap a pair of angelic wings.  Bon Voyage!

I’m John Mahogany and for 60 Eons…I’m just sayin….

OK, This Has Got To Stop

I keep telling myself to leave Herman Cain alone. The man is entitled to his opinion and he obviously has an excellent track record when it comes to running a company (Burger King and Godfather’s). In one of my more recent posts, I sent a clear message that I did not like his politics and that I did not think that he was competent to be handed the keys to the buttons that would spell nuclear doom for the entire world.

Folks, I am trying. I am really trying to cut this guy a break but every time I turn on the television, read a paper, pop onto the Internet there he is.  “It’s always something” as the SNL character Roseanne Roseannadanna would say. “It’s always something”.

Today, Herman Cain says (and I am paraphrasing here) that if China starts developing nuclear capability then we must move to prevent that from happening. Herman, China became a nuclear power in 1964!  Did you think that we would not notice this most recent foray into the superior demonstration of your foreign expertise?

Additionally Mr. Cain’s staff has given him a cheat list of names of world leaders to memorize and which are the good guys and which are the bad guys.

His two instances of allegations of sexual harassment have now changed to three.

And here is the coup de grace:

Herman Cain "appears" to be in favor of the banning of abortion. Well to some that is not a bad thing; to some it’s a horrendous thing but Mr. Cain goes a step further and declares that he is for the total banning of abortion: that means that if you are a woman and you are raped and you become pregnant, you must keep the baby or give it up for adoption or whatever but you cannot abort the child.   If you elect to give up the child for adoption, then you or your attorney must acquire consent from the rapist. Ask any adoption attorney.

According to CBS news Mr. Cain, when pressed as to what an extreme circumstance was and would that include rape and incest Cain insisted and I quote: "I do not have exceptions. No I do not. I am pro-life from conception."

When he was on CNN’s Piers Morgan two weeks earlier and I heard him say this on the television that abortion was best left up to the decision of the woman and her family.

Now, in principal this concept of a total abortion ban that Mr. Cain puts forth seems very sound except that there is that whole irritating subject of the law and parent’s rights.  You see, dear reader, if the child is born and there is an identified mother and a father, the courts are hesitant to bastardize the child which means that the rapist would be obligated to pay child support as the legal and biological father (this is certainly a good thing).  However compounding the issue is the pre-supposition that the rapist, as father, now has parental rights.  He will be able to move in and out of his victim’s life at will.  Her life will be his whim. The whole point of rape is power and control over the victim.  To me, a rapist’s parental rights is not only a travesty and an affront to the legal system of this country but it’s also a continuation of the rape as a mental process because the perpetrator can now exercise power and influence over his victim’s life and the life of their child.

Herman Cain, is it too much to ask that you think before you speak? There are some of us out here that you are scaring.  Your attitude toward the American people is, at best, contemptuous and cavalier. You leave the impression that you simply do not care about anything except winning a nomination and these loose cannon comments that you make in all of your best political sincerity illustrate to us the American People that your reckless insensitivity borders on bringing this population closer to the brink of disparity.

Right now this country is looking for its leader and it’s looking for its voice and if it’s not too much of a strain for you folks (democrats and republicans alike) this country would like its pride and dignity back.  No one wants to march and protest and cry out that the world is not fair.

Quite scaring us with your quips and your contempt; it’s obvious that you are not ready to tackle the subject of abortion. Play it safe and leave the real issues to the big boys.

However, again to be fair, Condoleeza Rice said yesterday that when you ascend to the presidency that it is a sobering and overwhelming experience when you first step into the oval office and realize that all those things that you said you would do has to be aligned with the truths and the hard realities that come with being the leader of the free world.  Maybe being president will calm you down. Then again, maybe it will send you over the edge…

I’m just sayin’…

The Incredible Eight Million dollar IPad 2

I try. I really try but every time I tell myself that I am going to calm down and just shut up the newswires cannonballs another story my way and I cannot resist commenting. For the record, I did try to be quiet this time.

First, here is the story of me. I make no bones about the fact that this has been a very hard year for me economically. It’s been rough dealing with a tough economy but I forge ahead knowing that I am not alone with the hard times. Man up, suck in the rough and tumble reality of the no money blues and all that; I get it and life goes on.

So what would you do with eight million dollars? Save your homes? Help starving American children in the Appalachians? Maybe you would create scholarships for the poor so that they can enjoy a good education and eventually contribute in a positive way to the well being of this great country.

Maybe you would feed the poor, clothe the cold and frail, help the homeless, build a hospital wing, make the world a better place. Maybe your thing would be to end the senseless battering of women and children; to provide hope for the hopeless who scrape and claw to just be on the very edge of our teeming shore.

Of course you would. You are the 99 percent. We are the 99 percent. These kinds of socially relevant problems are harsh but typical truths in our daily lives. To these so-call one per centers, issues like these translate into tax opportunities and faux feel good moments; the selling to themselves the vanities of the clueless rich.

OR

You could buy an eight million dollar IPad 2. I am not kidding. This is the Ipad for the rich and deliriously wealthy. I want to be informed when that eight million dollar man makes such a bionic purchase. I want to be the first person on the internet to laugh my ass off over someone so out of touch with reality and in touch with their own narcissistic values that they would blow that much money on a five hundred dollar computer tablet.

But…but…but…. it’s OK folks. It’s really OK because these are special IPads. The Logo on the back of the IPad is encrusted with diamonds. It’s also solid gold and is inlaid with dinosaur bones; T-Rex to be exact.

I don’t think I have had this much of a good laugh since they opened the shoe vault of Imelda Marcos.

So, you bought your 8 million dollar IPad 2 which comes with advanced dinosaur bone technology and one day your youngest son of 32 years and heir to your solid gold throne breaks your Ipad so naturally you have your manservant, Donald, drive it down to the local Apple Store to speak to a genius. Because of who you are you don’t just speak to any genius, you get to speak to Dr. Zbigniew Brzezinski because that’s how rich you really are.

Well he is going to tell you what they tell us. Apple will send it to Texas where it will be repaired and shipped back to you in no time flat and that is that said the cat in the hat. When it comes to Apple you will actually have to wait in line with the rest of us.

So you get it fixed. We are all very happy that you have your IPad 2 back safe and sound but remember your son, Donald? Well he invested all of your money in a ponzi scheme and now you are flat broke. All you have left is your eight million dollar IPad 2.

So you do the only thing you can do.

You hitch a ride with your former Chauffeur to Las Vegas and go to see Rick Harrison over at Pawn Stars (of the reality show) who kindly listens to your tale of woe and examines this “one of a kind” treasure.

“So are you looking to pawn it or sell it?”

“Why sell it!” you say.

“so what are you asking?” says Rick

“Well, I was thinking 8 million dollars, Rick. Its what I paid for it and its very rare”.

“I will give you 500 dollars for it”.

You look incredulous. “But Rick! I paid 8 million for it”.

“Well, ya gotta understand. I have to put it up here and its going to cost me to upgrade it and I don’t have that much of a call for an 8 million dollar Ipad and all that gold and diamonds, well I’m going to have to take this thing over to American Restoration and have it restored and that’s going to cut into my profit. 500 is the best I can do.”

There is a long thoughtful pause as you try to decide if this is the right decision for you. You are good at making the right decisions, right?

“OK I guess it is what it is…I will take the 500”

“Great! Just follow Chum Lee and he will write you up.”

So you step outside with your 500 dollars cash and that money, your last 500 dollars, is immediately snatched from your hand by the Chauffeur because in your one percent delusional mind, you forgot that Chauffeurs are not free.

Ironic, ain’t it? Oh…and welcome to the ninety nine per centers…

I’m just saying…