Tuesday, November 1, 2011

The Incredible Eight Million dollar IPad 2

I try. I really try but every time I tell myself that I am going to calm down and just shut up the newswires cannonballs another story my way and I cannot resist commenting. For the record, I did try to be quiet this time.

First, here is the story of me. I make no bones about the fact that this has been a very hard year for me economically. It’s been rough dealing with a tough economy but I forge ahead knowing that I am not alone with the hard times. Man up, suck in the rough and tumble reality of the no money blues and all that; I get it and life goes on.

So what would you do with eight million dollars? Save your homes? Help starving American children in the Appalachians? Maybe you would create scholarships for the poor so that they can enjoy a good education and eventually contribute in a positive way to the well being of this great country.

Maybe you would feed the poor, clothe the cold and frail, help the homeless, build a hospital wing, make the world a better place. Maybe your thing would be to end the senseless battering of women and children; to provide hope for the hopeless who scrape and claw to just be on the very edge of our teeming shore.

Of course you would. You are the 99 percent. We are the 99 percent. These kinds of socially relevant problems are harsh but typical truths in our daily lives. To these so-call one per centers, issues like these translate into tax opportunities and faux feel good moments; the selling to themselves the vanities of the clueless rich.


You could buy an eight million dollar IPad 2. I am not kidding. This is the Ipad for the rich and deliriously wealthy. I want to be informed when that eight million dollar man makes such a bionic purchase. I want to be the first person on the internet to laugh my ass off over someone so out of touch with reality and in touch with their own narcissistic values that they would blow that much money on a five hundred dollar computer tablet.

But…but…but…. it’s OK folks. It’s really OK because these are special IPads. The Logo on the back of the IPad is encrusted with diamonds. It’s also solid gold and is inlaid with dinosaur bones; T-Rex to be exact.

I don’t think I have had this much of a good laugh since they opened the shoe vault of Imelda Marcos.

So, you bought your 8 million dollar IPad 2 which comes with advanced dinosaur bone technology and one day your youngest son of 32 years and heir to your solid gold throne breaks your Ipad so naturally you have your manservant, Donald, drive it down to the local Apple Store to speak to a genius. Because of who you are you don’t just speak to any genius, you get to speak to Dr. Zbigniew Brzezinski because that’s how rich you really are.

Well he is going to tell you what they tell us. Apple will send it to Texas where it will be repaired and shipped back to you in no time flat and that is that said the cat in the hat. When it comes to Apple you will actually have to wait in line with the rest of us.

So you get it fixed. We are all very happy that you have your IPad 2 back safe and sound but remember your son, Donald? Well he invested all of your money in a ponzi scheme and now you are flat broke. All you have left is your eight million dollar IPad 2.

So you do the only thing you can do.

You hitch a ride with your former Chauffeur to Las Vegas and go to see Rick Harrison over at Pawn Stars (of the reality show) who kindly listens to your tale of woe and examines this “one of a kind” treasure.

“So are you looking to pawn it or sell it?”

“Why sell it!” you say.

“so what are you asking?” says Rick

“Well, I was thinking 8 million dollars, Rick. Its what I paid for it and its very rare”.

“I will give you 500 dollars for it”.

You look incredulous. “But Rick! I paid 8 million for it”.

“Well, ya gotta understand. I have to put it up here and its going to cost me to upgrade it and I don’t have that much of a call for an 8 million dollar Ipad and all that gold and diamonds, well I’m going to have to take this thing over to American Restoration and have it restored and that’s going to cut into my profit. 500 is the best I can do.”

There is a long thoughtful pause as you try to decide if this is the right decision for you. You are good at making the right decisions, right?

“OK I guess it is what it is…I will take the 500”

“Great! Just follow Chum Lee and he will write you up.”

So you step outside with your 500 dollars cash and that money, your last 500 dollars, is immediately snatched from your hand by the Chauffeur because in your one percent delusional mind, you forgot that Chauffeurs are not free.

Ironic, ain’t it? Oh…and welcome to the ninety nine per centers…

I’m just saying…


  1. applauds.. ! I had a good laugh.. and I agree..lol

  2. Hey thanks, Kate! I don't think the absurdly rich realize just how absurdly absurd they really are. It's absurd! Thanks for reading and I really appreciate your feedback.--john