Sunday, November 20, 2011

The Mighty Magpie: Sunday Round Up For November 20th

Terror in the Big House

The Associated Press reports that two prisoners, who were attempting to show their love for their ladies, sprinkled a white powder into the letters that they sent. Naturally, thinking that two or three dozen cartons of cigarettes will buy one nickel bag of anthrax, the “authorities” were called in. Taxpayers paid for the trip to the pen (not to be confused with the Penn).

The terrorist type substances turned out to be Lemonade and Sugar.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m as much for the security of our homeland as much as the next person but come on, America, these guys are guilty of what got them landed in prison in the first place: stupidity.

I hear that they may be disciplined. Let me make this requests, prison officials. Let it slide and congratulate your team that your security system works, no one got hurt and this is just an idiot’s equivalent of a fire drill. No harm, no foul.  Your “terrorists” aren’t going anywhere and the ridicule that they will receive from fellow inmates will be punishment enough.

Space Aliens Discover Evidence of Intelligence on Earth

Columbia, SC--Oh yeah. Remember the rock formation on Mars that resembles a man’s face. It got alien conspirators launched into a frothing of the mouths that could only be equaled by Marilyn Monroe’s nude Playboy feature.

Well, its happened again but the twist is that the formation that has been found is right here on the good old planet Earth and in the state of South Carolina no less. Well heavens to Michelin: it was a big ol’ redneck pile of tires. Now being from the Carolinas, I can appreciate this mammoth Mayan-like michelinie-esque ode to Firestone.

The guy who done the deed piled the tires so high and for 50 acres that you could see the mess from outer space. Well, now I seem to remember that the last time something like that happened we lost our single language and the human race was divided by tongue as a punishment by God for our arrogant ways.

Well, I have to confess that this news did sort of leave me speechless but come on its Tires—in the South—a monument to the red of neck.  Its right up there with Mount Rush Limbaugh…large and ridiculous.

A New Yorker owns the land in the dear old south, Floridians are hauling away the tires and a South Carolina man who piled the tires on will have to pay 400 plus dollars in fines. Now if that isn’t the North and the South coming together, nothing is.

Ohio Courthouse Bans Sex Poster

New Philadelphia, Ohio—well, not really. It wasn’t actually a sex poster.  It’s a play called “No sex please, we’re British”.  Apparently, it’s an innocent play about an innocent couple that is plagued with an influx of pornographic mail coming to their small apartment. The offending poster consists of a pair of legs and a skirt across which is the title “No Sex Please, We’re British”.  The really offensive, breath gasping, bible-thumping part of the poster is not the legs but the word “sex”.

Well, if it were not for that word and what it means, you and I would not be here.  I was involved in community theatre for sometime and there was always some old craw with a corncob up one of those banned places who had to snipe and gripe about something was always inappropriate in their less then informed mind. Usually that person is elderly and has nothing better to do OR was not cast in the show and so has an ego based axe to grind.

Well this person insisted the offending public service announcement be banned from the Courthouse, which again proves to me that censorship is just another vehicle of the ignorant. For gosh sakes, see the play before you kill it. You might actually walk away informed. Then you can attack it.

Fairbanks Alaska Has Been Hit with a Record 41 Degree Below Zero

Well…not much I can say here but Hallelujah!   Its snugglin time!

OK, Now This is Just Plain Stupid

Coram, NY—A New Yorker wearing a T-Shirt saying “I’m not an alchoholic/I’m Drunk/Alcoholics go to meetings” slammed into a police car.  He should have taken off the shirt and seduced them with his white knuckled bare chest: that would have at least distracted them from his chesty confession.

But this could be a trend:  “I jay walk for sex and money”, “I’m not a public servant/I’m a politician/bribe me” or  “I’m not a thief/I’m a shoplifter/just ask my publicist”

Ah the world: Lenny Bruce would be so proud.

Hey, If Santa Can Do It, So Can I

Oh hear the tale of Renaldo Jack in Gwinnett County, Georgia.  Renaldo is a 17-year-old teenage boy who, in his zeal to burglarize a home, went to the real authority on burglary special tactics:  Santa Clause.

Seems our intrepid super villain lodged himself in a chimney and could not get out. He spent 10 hours trapped in the chimney hollerin’(that is what we do in the south) for help.  When asked why he went down the chimney in the first place, his response was “I was just stupid”. 

Well he figured that one out.

Which brings to mind a few points:

  1. American needs more architects
  2. Renaldo should take the architecture course.
  3. Why hasn’t Santa been arrested by the Georgia Police?
  4. The easy way, good Americans, is not always the best way.

I feel sorry for the guy. Reynaldo got the following: free unwanted publicity and a pound of soot in his lungs. This guy should be the poster child of what happens when a congressman stick his head too far up the lower end of a lobbyist.

I’m just sayin…

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