Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Magpie Sunday Roundup

The Oboes are No Longer Dating

Yes, its true dear readers, President Obama and Speaker Boehner—the Oboes—not another celebrity break up in the works, it can’t be! There will be no more golfy glances at the fairlanes for the Oboes, that scurrilous couple of goofy golfers who swore that they would be best boyfriends for ever. Seems that since they took their relationship to the workplace, Boehner is saying that their caddy coupling is cooled. Mr. Speaker Dude, Obama took one in the nethers for you and your perky tea party friends in that compromising position you put him in—you know the one where you held the country hostage and threatened to shut it down?  Well, Mr. President, friends don’t bend over for other friends. Let that be a lesson learned.

Herman Cain: A banker in 99 percent clothing

OK, lately it seems that Mr. Cain has started to attack the mainstream media.  He does not like what they say to us little folk out here and says that the media is trying to hurt him by serving out dishes and dishes of mealy-mouthed misinformation.  Well what do you know!  Where have I heard that one before? OH YES! From you, Mr. Cain—everybody thinks “we the people are stupid” and it’s even the title of your book, which I actually thought had a lot of merit. If you said what either you or the  ghostwriter wrote in the book and not what is on your mind, you would be one tough hombre for anyone to beat.  OH and Mr. alternative to the Republicans and Democrats who think we are stupid---did you not think I would notice that you are a banker?  Former Chairman of the Federal Reserve of Kansas?  To be fair, Cain did work his way from the ground up and for a while was sort of a Jean Luc Picard of industry then the bank ate him and he was banked into America’s Locutus of Bank.  Say it ain’t so cause I will believe you and not the mainstream media.

Let me just say this:  Stand on your merits. It's beneath you to point fingers.  I never believe the news, that is why there is fact checking. Likewise, tell Fox to quite going to bat for you. It makes things look worse then what they really are and maybe MSNBC will leave you alone as well.

And speaking of Mitt Romney:

 You should take a second look at Herman Cain’s resume and start speaking up a bit more. As a George Romero character said in “Night of the Living dead” and I paraphrase—“Cain’s coming to get you, Mitt”.   Cain is not one huddlers of the teeming shore; he is one of you so deal with him or fade, fade, fade away.  What worries me is that Cain does not lose…ever…he is that good so take him seriously. Heck he even beat colon cancer! Your silent but deadly act is not working.

 A Humpback Whale Nearly Swallows A Surfer and a Kayaker

Santa Cruz, CA--OK this is a simple exercise in truth and logic: If you see an Island and its called “The Zombie Island of Death” and you don’t want your brains eaten, don’t go there. Likewise, if there have been repetitive occurrences of sightings of hungry whales in the water, ask where they have been appearing and stay clear.  These types of animals are moving closer inland because they are hungry and as colorful as you Californians are, a giant humpback whale with a large gaping mouth won’t be able to tell you from a Twinkie. I understand your Californian need to feel superior, you do represent a 10th of the US population but, dudes, all that tanning oil is going to make you taste like a California Candy Bar—I hear and I can’t confirm the rumor that Whales are gaga over coconut tanning oil—oh hell, any tanning oil for that matter.  There is a huge difference between having your little bikini bottoms pulled down by a small barking dog then being engulfed by a whale.  Exercise some common sense and be careful out there.  If whales eat enough of you, California will lose that 10 percent voters advantage.

 And Finally…. Here’s Andy Rooney

I remember watching a documentary on Merv Griffin and he was talking about  his experiences interviewing Orson Welles. Seems Welles had rules on what he would discuss in an interview and what would not be talked about, mainly his personal life. One day he comes on and just opens up to Merv about his life and fond moments and such, spilling every detail. That afternoon, Mr. Welles died.

I think some people know when its time to go to the elephant’s graveyard and like Mr. Welles, I think Andy did too.  I feel sorry for this world that lost such a great humorist and crab man par excellence but I also feel sorry for the world that is about to receive him. I am sure they are not ready for that sharp tongue and Errol Flynn as a pirate wit.  Bon Voyage, Mr. Rooney, my friend whom I never met.  I envy the afterlife for getting such an essential voice of this and the previous century and when I die and turn on the eternal television set to “60 Eons”, I am sure you will be right there at the end of each program bitching about how hard it is to unwrap a pair of angelic wings.  Bon Voyage!

I’m John Mahogany and for 60 Eons…I’m just sayin….

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